New Year's Eve

Okay, so the Cavalcade isn't done just yet. New Year's Eve is technically part of the "holiday season", and no one takes down the Christmas decorations until after it's over. Unfortunately, I really can't muster anywhere near the same enthusiasm for the 31st that I can for the 25th. Maybe it's because it marks the end of the holidays and the beginning of Just Plain Winter. Maybe it's because I very rarely have someone to kiss at midnight. Maybe it's because I'm emotionally spent after blowing my Christmas wad. Whatever it is, it's pretty lame. But that's certainly not going to stop me from writing a blog post about it!

The one thing you can always count on on New Year's Eve is that everyone usually waits until the last minute to make plans, and as a result things end up being pretty half-assed. Gawker actually wrote a really great article about the five types of New Year's parties, most of which suck. Frank Loesser, who also wrote "Baby, it's Cold Outside", encourages us to avoid these problems by planning ahead (even if it's much too early in the game) in his song "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?" And no, I'm not going to post that Zooey Deschanel/Joseph Gordon Levitt version that's been all over Facebook. Even though yes, it is fucking adorable.



As you may already know, I love The OC. And one of the most memorable episodes from its stellar first season is when Ryan makes it to the New Year's party just in time to keep Marissa from having to kiss Oliver at midnight. Oliver, of course, was the creepy weirdo she met in her therapist's waiting room who she keeps insisting to Ryan is "just a friend" even though he is, as I mentioned, a creepy weirdo who (SPOILER ALERT) ends up in a scary situation later in the season involving pills and guns. But anyway, here is the scene in which Ryan (as usual) saves the day. SWOON.



John Roberts, famous for The Christmas Tree, recently brought back his New Jersey mom character for an epic New Year's video. In it, Mom prepares for a party, philosophizes about New Year's resolutions, and gets drunk with her best friend Fran (played by Blondie's Debbie Harry). Enjoy it, and have a great 2012, everybody!

The Christmas Song

The day after Christmas is really sad, especially for someone who loves it at much as I do.  You've got to pack up, go back to work, and quit all the holiday spirit cold turkey.  And just like Christmas eventually must end, so too must the Christmas Cavalcade.  I'd like to thank all of my readers - the blog really took off as the month went on and we've had visitors from as far away as Russia and Brazil! I sincerely hope that I was able to help make your holiday season a little more awesome.

We're gonna close things out with what I consider the ultimate Christmas song, and it is appropriately titled "The Christmas Song".  It was written in 1944 by Mel Tormé and Bob Wells, and later recorded by Nat King Cole.  It was Cole's idea to use a string section in his recording, and could you really imagine the song without one? The opening strains of "The Christmas Song" immediately fill me with every positive emotion associated with the season, and if they don't do the same to you, you must not have a soul.



So thanks again, everybody.  Have a wonderful Christmas and a kickass New Year's!  And stay tuned for my upcoming blog, "Larson's Cavalcade of Presidents' Day"!

Christmastime for the Jews

Robert Smeigel, the genius behind TV Funhouse, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, and uh, Don't Mess with the Zohan (okay, two out of three ain't bad), is responsible for this fantastic song. Darlene Love tells us what our Jewish friends are up to while we're inside celebrating Christmas - blasting Streisand, playing professional basketball, and drinking their "sweet ass wine".

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation/A Christmas Story

Regular viewings of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story this time of year are as reliable as a visit from the man in the red suit.  You can always count on cable television to ensure that you get to see both of these classics every year, probably more than once.  They're kind of like two relatives that you look forward to seeing every Christmas - they're familiar, they're funny, and they may tell the same jokes every year but you don't really care.

A Christmas Story is based on a series of short stories author Jean Shephard (who also narrates the film) wrote for Playboy magazine in the 1960's.  In it, a boy named Ralphie's single-minded quest for a Red Ryder BB gun is fraught with evil Santas, violent gingers, and the Bumpus hounds.  Ralphie was played by actor Peter Billingsley, who (contrary to popular belief) never became a porn star but went on to produce films like The Break-Up and Iron Man.  And of course Ralphie's father, "The Old Man", was played by Darren McGavin - an actor that you'll probably also recognize as Billy Madison's dad. Here's a clip of Ralphie telling Santa what he really wants for Christmas.

Christmas Vacation is a film for a slightly more "adult" crowd, which chronicles Clark Griswold's equally passionate quest to provide the perfect Christmas for his family. Randy Quaid (as Cousin Eddie) really steals the show ("Shitter was full!"), but I'll always have a soft spot for Uncle Lewis (famous old man William Hickey) and Aunt Bethany (Mae Questel, the original voice of Betty Boop and Olive Oyl). "Grace? She passed away thirty years ago!"  Here's a clip of Clark's famous freakout when he realizes he's gotten a jelly club membership instead of his expected Christmas bonus.  Clark Griswold IS the 99%.

Christmas Pin-Ups

And now, just for the hell of it, here are some Christmas pin-ups. This first one is entitled "The Bellringer" and it raises a lot of questions. Isn't she cold? Are those priests checking her out? What exactly is a Christmas basket fund? Am I really getting turned on by a drawing from the 50's?

Now this is one lucky-ass snowman. Of course, that lady is totally someone's grandma.

I am totally in love with this girl. Someday I will fly to Sweden and marry her, but in the meantime I will just look at her Christmas pin-up pictures and sigh wistfully.

Oh, and here's an extra special Christmas pin-up for my female readers! Awwwwww yeah.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" is a beloved Christmas classic. It was prominently featured in the movie Elf. And it is also all about date rape. Of course, I didn't actually realize this until I sung it for karaoke and had to pay attention to the lyrics. It's kind of weird that I didn't though, cause it's really all there. It's hard to believe I'd been listening to it my whole life and never picked up on what it was really about - a guy trying to coerce a hesitant young lady to stay at his place and get drunk so he can take advantage of her. In fact, on the original printed score, the parts are labeled "mouse" and "wolf".

Maybe I'm overreacting, though. After all, it was written by Frank Loesser to be a duet with his wife, which is kind of romantic. You can't date rape your spouse, right? It won an Oscar for best original song in 1949, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't give an Academy Award to a song about attempted rape. And Blossom sang it with her dad in an episode of Blossom, so... okay that's kind of weird.

There have been countless versions of this song released over the years bringing together pairs like Ray Charles & Dionne Warwick, Robert Palmer & Carnie Wilson, and Bette Midler & James Caan. But to me, the creepiest version is by Tom Jones and someone named Cerys Matthews. Tom Jones has always struck me as kind of rape-y anyway, and this video featuring him as some kind of rape demon makes me feel all kinds of uncomfortable (although there is a twist ending). Merry Christmas?

A Very Fuppets Holiday Christmas

In 1999, Portuguese artist Arturo Lima created the "Tiny Fuppets" - a group of baby creatures who have whimsical adventures together. Although they may bear a striking resemblance to other, similar, and arguably more popular characters, they are entirely original and were thought up by Lima during a particularly inspirational fanboat ride. Or so the story goes.

American fans of the Tiny Fuppets have had to wait patiently as episodes of the classic series slowly leak into the United States. Their patience and loyalty were rewarded this week when Lima released the fifth Fuppets cartoon for American audiences - "A Very Fuppets Holiday Christmas". In it, Kormit, Mrs. Woman, Animanuel, Gonzor, and Tummi engage in a danger-filled yuletide journey to their cabin in the backyard. It features a special guest star not seen since "Party Pals" and is dedicated to the memory of Piano Dog. Enjoy!

The Fab Four's Christmas Album

I've discovered a lot of cool music thanks to Little Steven Van Zandt and his Underground Garage, and this Christmas he introduced me to The Fab Four.  They are a Beatles tribute band that is faithful to the original in almost every possible way, from the harmonies to the outfits to the way they bob their heads.  I may not be that familiar with their work, but I'm pretty sure the best thing they ever did was their Christmas album.

In this double album, the Fab Four cover twenty classic Christmas tunes, but here's the twist - each one is done in the style of an existing Beatles song. "Joy to the World" in the style of "Please Please Me", "Feliz Navidad" in the style of "And I Love Her", "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" in the style of "When I'm Sixty-Four" (my personal favorite), etc. It's all just terrific stuff. They made one video of a song from the album, but it's really all worth checking out, especially if you're a Beatles fan. And then again, who isn't?

Celebrity Bric-a-Brac Theater

I really can't believe it's taken me so long to share "The First Christmas", my favorite episode of Celebrity Bric-a-Brac Theater.  Basically this guy acts out bizarre "true stories" about the origins of holidays using the kind of crap your grandmother has lying around her house.  This in itself is hilarious, but add to it the fact that the characters are given the voices of random celebrities from Jack Palance to John Madden to David Letterman and Marlon Brando, and you've got comedy gold. 

In this episode, we learn that Santa Claus was once an eskimo named John Madden until he was transformed by the Spirit of Christmas.  All seems to go well until Santa is faced with the ultimate temptation - delicious chocolate pudding.  I'd explain more but you really should just check it out for yourself.  And remember - "Pudding pudding, kill kill!"

Batman Returns

Some Christmas movies aren't really about Christmas - they use the holiday as a backdrop and refer to it from time to time in order to accentuate the story. Die Hard is a good example of this, but another one is Tim Burton's underrated sequel Batman Returns.  In it, Michael Keaton's Batman takes on The Penguin, Catwoman, and (best of all) Christopher Walken as department store tycoon Max Schreck, and he does it all in a snow covered Gotham City.

Tim Burton has admitted that he has a thing for the holiday season, perhaps because "it has something to do with growing up in a California suburb, where the only way to tell the passing of seasons was when people broke out the holiday decorations". His trademark style seems to go very well with Christmas, as evident in Batman Returns but also in Edward Scissorhands and The Nightmare Before Christmas. 

Aside from all the snow, Wayne Manor and Schreck's Department Store are decked out for the holidays.  A climactic scene takes place at the Gotham City tree lighting ceremony, where Schreck gives an awesome speech and Batman defends Christmas from The Penguin's gang of freakish clowns. Even in the flashback at the beginning of the film, Paul Reubens celebrates Christmas by dumping his young, beflippered son in a river.

So if you're looking for an unconventional Christmas movie that captures the spirit of the season despite being dark and weird, go for Batman Returns.  You could also go for Nightmare Before Christmas, if you shop regularly at Hot Topic.

Mr. T & Nancy Reagan

In 1983, Mr. T was invited to Washington to assist in the decoration of the White House Christmas tree. At the time, Nancy Reagan was promoting her "Say No to Drugs" campaign. When these two got together, it led to a bizarre moment not seen in the White House since Elvis met Nixon.

Goodfellas

It may not be a Christmas movie, but who can forget this classic scene from Martin Scorcese's 1990 epic Goodfellas? The holidays may be a time to shower your loved ones with expensive gifts, but NOT if you've just pulled off one of the biggest heists in history - a fact which Robert DeNiro's Jimmy Conway tactfully reminds us of in this scene, which also features The Ronettes' Frosty the Snowman and Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)".

Hanukkah

So tonight is the first night of Hanukkah, so I figured I'd throw a bone to our Jewish readers out there.  Let's face it, though - Christmas pretty much has a monopoly on the season's pop culture.  Aside from Adam Sandler's it-was-funny-the-first-thirty-times-I-heard-it song, there is precious little out there and if there is, I'd be the last one to know about it.  Nevertheless, here are three (mostly dreidel-related) songs to get even the goyest of goyim in the Hanukkah spirit!

From Benny Goodman to Woody Allen, Jews have always had a close relationship with jazz music.  In this first song, jazz singer/cantor Kenny Ellis sings an awesome swingin' version of pretty much the only Hanukkah song we gentiles are aware of.



South Park has always handled Jewish issues with maturity and good taste, and the holiday season is no exception.  I could have gone with "A Jew on Christmas" here, but I much prefer the Broflovski family's powerful version of The Dreidel Song (featuring Eric Cartman).

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One of the few legitimate Hanukkah TV specials was 1996's "A Rugrats Chanukah".  Inspired by this groundbreaking episode, here is "Rugrats Chanukah", sung by the titular babies.  You can even watch the special in its entirety on the Nickelodeon site.



UPDATE: How could I forget this duet between comedy gods Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, from "A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All"?

A BetaMaXmas

I think I've finally figured out where my semi-recent obsession with Christmas came from. There has been a whole lot of 80's/90's nostalgia in the pop cultureverse these days, and experts say it is because people in their 20's and 30's live in a very uncertain world - a world that is unstable, stressful, and downright depressing. As a result, we cling to cultural artifacts that bring us back to a simpler time: Muppets, Pee-Wee Herman, Indiana Jones, etc. And nothing does the job quite as well as Christmas - not only does it take us back to when we were carefree children, but it takes us back to the very best day in the year of a carefree child.

A BetaMaXmas crams all sorts of old school Christmas nostalgia into one convenient website. You've got the wood panelling, the plaid couch with the afghan across the back, the Star Wars poster, and the TV with the rabbit ears. And what's on the TV, you ask? An immense, rotating selection of obscure Christmas television including commercials, trailers, TV specials, and movies. Spend a few minutes on this site and you will suddenly find yourself six years old again, sucking down juice boxes while sitting Indian style on the shag carpet.

The Christmukk-huh?

For years now I have "harbored" a love for Fox's The OC (fans of the show will get my clever pun). At its best, it balanced smart writing and self-awareness with over-the-top melodrama in a way that made it more than just your average teen soap. I'd summarize the show and its major characters but if you're not already familiar with them, you must have been living in a cultural vaccuum for the better part of the 2000's (Spoiler alert: we also invaded Iraq, and Son of the Mask happened).

Every holiday season, The OC's Cohen family would celebrate Chrismukkah - a mashup that combines the secular aspects of both holidays, summed up by Seth as "eight days of presents, followed by one day of many presents." As the Onion AV Club points out in their excellent article, each season's Chrismukkah episode tends to reflect the overall quality of the season surrounding it. The first season's "The Best Chrismukkah Ever" was great, while season three's "The Chrismukkah Bar-Mitzvahkkuh" was utter shit (thanks, in no small part, to Johnny - the worst character in any television show ever). My favorite, however, has to be season four's "The Christmukk-huh?"

You see, by the end of season three, The OC was no longer the cultural phenomenon it once was. The writers had gotten lazy, starting to recycle old storylines and create crappy, underdeveloped, and just plain unlikeable characters (see: Johnny). They were told that season four was their last chance to stay on the air, which was just the kick in the ass Josh Schwartz and company needed. As a result, their last season was well-written, compelling, and funny. It also included "The Christmukk-huh?", a spin on It's a Wonderful Life which shows what would have happened if Ryan had never shown up in Newport. Kirsten is married to Jimmy Cooper, Summer is a bimbo, Sandy is a politician, and Julie - well, she's still pretty evil. The always excellent Chris Pratt, who would later go on to play lovable shoeshiner/Mouse Rat frontman Andy Dwyer on Parks & Recreation, takes a break from his hippie character to play an alternate reality thong-snapping frat boy, popped collar and all.

Christmas Wrapping

It's not a very controversial statement to say that The Waitresses' "Christmas Wrapping" is one of the most awesome Christmas songs.  From the opening guitar licks to the catchy chorus, it's next to impossible not to want to bop all over the room when it comes on the radio.  The story of the song is basically the plot of an 80's movie set to music, and I can't believe it hasn't inspired a movie the way so many other Christmas songs (including the goddamn Christmas Shoes) have.

I don't really know much about The Waitresses, other than the fact I want to go back in time and have the lead singer be my badass, new wave girlfriend. I know that they also did "I Know What Boys Like" and the theme song to the cult 80's series Square Pegs, but that's where the trail goes cold.  In fact, no official video exists for "Christmas Wrapping", so I'm posting this one of a teenage girl lip syncing it.  It's probably what they would have wanted.

Dyna Moe's Mad Men Christmas Card

This image was done by artist (and UCB improv teacher) Dyna Moe, after she was commissioned to make a Christmas card for actor Rich "Harry Crane" Sommer in 2007.  In case you're not already familiar with her work, she specializes in mid-century style illustrations and has made a whole bunch of Mad Men-related art, including the popular "Mad Men Yourself".

Christmas Shoes

"Christmas Shoes" is an awful, awful song by the Christian rock band Newsong which somehow manages to sneak into the rotation on those stations that play Christmas music all through December. Its inexplicable popularity even got it made into a book and a  TV movie starring Rob Lowe. Much like I can't understand how people can recreationally listen to techno music while they're just hanging around the house, I will never understand how anyone could possibly enjoy this song. Of course, leave it to standup comedian Patton Oswalt to break down all of the many, many reasons why this song is just the absolute worst.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

You've probably heard of it. And if you have, you might be interested in seeing it just to see how bad it really is. Well, don't. Seriously. As someone who enjoys bad pop culture almost as much as he loves Christmas, I can tell you that The Star Wars Holiday Special isn't even the kind of crap you can enjoy ironically. It's a sad, embarrassing debacle that somehow manages to top Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Jar Jar Binks as George Lucas' most shameful creation.

The story goes something like this: In 1978, the concept of the variety show-style television special was quickly becoming irrelevant. CBS, however, decided to give the genre one last shot, figuring the incredible popularity of Star Wars would make it a surefire hit. They hired the best variety show writers money could buy, including Bruce Vilanch, and got talent like Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Harvey Korman, and Jefferson Starship to sign on. Then Lucas stepped in and predictably fucked everything up, demanding that the plot revolve around Chewbacca's family, who are waiting for him to return for "Life Day". This, of course, ensured that it would be the first television special featuring a cast that spoke exclusively in growls and grunts. Also, Mark Hamill is plastered in orange makeup to cover the scarring from a motorcycle accident. And the special took place at the height of Carrie Fisher's booze/pills phase. And Harrison Ford wanted nothing to do with it.  And the grandpa wookie pretty much masturbates to a hologram of a sexy R&B singer. And it's two hours long. And the only good thing about it is a cartoon that itself isn't all that great. It's unbearably, unwatchably, irredeemably bad.

But if you are brave, by all means seek out a copy.  Since Lucas reportedly attempted to gather and destroy every existing copy, the only versions to be found these days are either on YouTube or bootlegs somehow recorded off the TV in an era before the proliferation of VCRs.  If you're "lucky" enough to get a hold of one of them, the best part about it will be the commercials for things like home perms and the 1979 Buick Regal.  Go ahead and give it a shot if you're a masochist like me - at least now I can tell my grandkids that I suffered through it. The Star Wars Holiday Special was my Vietnam.

Hip Christmas

Preparing for a holiday karaoke party last week, I spend a lot of time researching Christmas music. I thought I knew everything there was to know about the subject until I stumbled across HipChristmas.com, a treasure trove of information about the coolest obscure Christmas tunes you've never heard. Created by music expert Randy Anthony, it will point you in the direction of great songs, old and new, from every imaginable genre. His top 100 list is a great place to start, but there are also fantastic articles about dirty Christmas songs, Vietnam-inspired Christmas songs, and Christmas songs about celebrity stalking. The site also includes links to playlists from Spin, the Indie Rock Cafe, and Spinner.  If you want to throw a party that's anywhere near as cool as mine was, I highly recommend checking out Mr. Anthony's site.  Check out one of my finds from his archives - the 1948 hit "Boogie Woogie Santa Claus".

Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas

Like many other unhealthily obsessed pop culture junkies, I love NBC's Community.  In my opinion, it's one of the most unique, well-written, and hilarious shows of all time.  But what I really love about it is that it's about a group of random misfits thrown together by fate who eventually grow to care about each other and have wacky adventures. And in that way, it reminds me of me and my friends.

Of course it goes without saying that I love Christmas too.  So to me, Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas is probably my favorite Christmas episode of any show ever.  It's got everything - stop motion animation, musical numbers, a touching message, pterodactyls, and a happy ending.  Combine that with the brilliance of a usual Community episode and you've got one amazing piece of television.  Please enjoy this clip from the episode, in which the gang saves Abed from the evil Christmas Wizard through the magic of Christmas, friendship, and song.

Home Alone

I can understand why so many people find Home Alone to be a Christmas classic, probably because I loved the movie too for a very long time.  As a kid, I must have seen it five times in the theaters, a record I would break twenty years later with Hot Tub Time Machine.  But recently, I've decided I don't like Home Alone very much at all.  You see, I can't enjoy any story where I dislike the protagonist.  And I think that Kevin McCallister is an evil little prick.

He's a jerk to his family - sure, you can chalk that up to suburban kid angst, but if he's like this now he's going to be completely insufferable as a teenager.  When they ditch him on Christmas, he mostly sees it as an opportunity to eat lots of ice cream and watch violent movies.  He's a smarmy dick to anyone he encounters, and he scams a pizza guy (as a former delivery professional, this is his most unforgivable crime).  Then, when two burgulars attempt to break into his house, he physically tortures them in awful, sadistic ways.  I mean come on, they're not war criminals.  Just call the damn cops, you sick little bastard!

But whatever, far be it from me to shit all over someone else's beloved holiday tradition.  So go ahead and enjoy Home Alone this season - just know that I'll be watching Jingle All the Way instead.

Saturday Night Live

Say what you will about Saturday Night Live - that it's inconsistant, that it's not as funny as it used to be, that it's lame because everyone reads off cue cards - okay, you're probably right. But people have been saying that about the show since its inception, and you can't deny that when SNL brings the laughs, it brings them hard. Here are some of my favorite Christmas sketches spanning the entire history of the show.

First up, Dan Aykroyd plays sleazy toy manufacturer Irwin Mainway as he discusses his dangerous products with "Consumer Probe" host Candice Bergen. The child-friendly toys offered by Mainway toys include "Bag o' Glass", "Johnny Switchblade", and "Teddy Chainsaw Bear". My favorite part is towards the end, where he proves that all toys can be dangerous.



The "Golden Age" of SNL, at least as far as I'm concerned, was the late 80's/early 90's. This is a mostly forgotten Christmas sketch from that time, and it features a who's who of the comedy greats who made that era so legendary (and also Victoria Jackson).



Finally, there's this gem from recent SNL history. Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracey Morgan perform an insane Christmas song together - well, mostly just Sanz. Fallon half-assedly fiddles with a synthesizer that is held by Kattan while a stone-faced Morgan does a silly dance. I can only imagine how they pitched this to Lorne Michaels.




Honorable Mentions: Hanukkah Harry Saves Christmas and the gleefully uber-violent lost ending of It's a Wonderful Life.

Father Christmas

The Kinks are regarded by many as one of the greatest rock bands of all time, so it's only fitting that they would have given us one of the greatest Christmas songs of all time. "Father Christmas" is a tale that's just as relevant today as it was when it was written in the late 70's, probably because that's the last time things sucked this bad. It's about a department store Santa Claus who is attacked by a group of kids who tell him to keep his toys "for the little rich boys" and instead ask for jobs for their fathers or, failing that, machine guns. Man, England in the 70's must have been so awesome. Happy Christmas!

The Santa/Jesus Medley

Jesus and Santa Claus first met in Matt Stone and Trey Parker's first animated film, and they did not get off on the right foot (to put it lightly). Years later, the two reunited for a musical Christmas episode of South Park in which they perform a lounge act featuring a medley of their favorite holiday tunes. While there is a bit of tension, there's nothing resembling the epic battle from their last encounter. And did you know that Santa Claus was a Duran Duran fan? Well, I did.

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Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas

Much like Zuccotti Park, the Christmas season is often the site of the age old battle between capitalism and socialism.  While Americans are expected to trample the elderly and pepper spray pregnant women to get a new Wii, we are also bombarded by the socialist messages of people like George Bailey, Jesus, and Emmet Otter.  And if it's the "true meaning of Christmas" you're looking for (i.e. "communism"), then you can't do better than the aforementioned otter and his Jugband Christmas.

The adorable Emmet Otter lives with his equally adorable mother along a river populated with other adorable characters.  What's not adorable is how poor they are - even though they manage to scrape by by bartering goods and services with their neighbors, they are constantly taken advantage of by the "1%" of the river, including the evil Gretchen Fox. When a local talent contest gives both Otters a chance to finally get the other a decent Christmas gift, they must decide whether or not to sacrifice the other's livelihood (hock Emmet's toolchest/make a bass out of Mama's washtub) in order to enter.  In the end, both Mama and Emmet's jug band lose to a no-good (but badass) group of rock n' rollers called the Riverbottom Nightmare Band.  But just when all seems lost, Mayor Frog decides to hire the band to perform in his restaurant, with Mama as the lead singer.  Christmas is saved once again!

I first saw this special on HBO in the early 80's and while the blatant socialist propaganda went over my head at the time, as a huge Muppets/Fraggle Rock fan I loved the puppetry. Henson and Co. experimented with camera angles, different scales, and motorized puppetry for a result that's really beautiful to watch (and listen to).  Check out my favorite song by the titular jug band, "Barbecue".  It may not be very Christmas-y, but dang do I love me some barbecue.

A Very Merry Daughter of the Bride

Some things just go well together.  Peanut butter and chocolate.  Thelma and Louise.  And of course, Christmas and Lifetime original movies.  Like most people, Lifetime movies are a big guilty pleasure for me and the Christmas ones are the best.  If I had to choose a favorite, though, it would have to be A Very Merry Daughter of the Bride.  Just like the regular ones, Lifetime Christmas movies have an identity that is based a few very basic shared elements. VMDB just happens to hit all the sweet spots.

Roxanne (JoAnna "Vicki from Freaks & Geeks" Garcia), the film's protagonist, is an attractive, successful, independent woman whose life is dominated by her job - a bridal store which she runs with her mother in a small, charming hometown where the Christmas season is in full swing. After her mother announces her plans to marry a man she met on vacation, Roxanne schemes to break up the couple with the help of C-list celebrity guest star Luke Perry, who plays the new boyfriend's son. She also meets a handsome guy who she hates at first but is clearly perfect for her. In the end, the magic of Christmas causes Roxanne to realize that Luke Perry is evil, her mother should marry the dude, and the handsome guy is, in fact, perfect for her. Also, the movie is filmed in Canada and prominently features an original Christmas song used to save money on music rights. The only thing missing is a precocious child.

Lifetime used to call their Christmas programming "Fa La La La Lifetime", which I thought was great, but this year they're going with the slightly less-ridiculous sounding "It's a Wonderful Lifetime". No matter what they're called, though, they're a heartwarmingly lame way to get into the spirit and kill time before the network starts playing stuff like Gospel of Deceit again.

Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)

Did you know that The Ramones wrote a Christmas song? Well they did! It sounds pretty much like every other Ramones song, which is a good or a bad thing depending on what you think of The Ramones. The video for the song tells the story of a heavily-accented Long Island couple who are clearly not getting along. They beat the shit out of each other all throughout their Christmas party (which is attended by a Rabbi, for some reason), but make up afterwards. Or do they? There's a twist ending that would make M. Night Shyamalan crap his pants. Plus, a vomiting Santa Claus! Oh, those Ramones.

Jingle All the Way

It may have been the result of excessive Christmastime pot smoking, but sometime over the last few years a screening of the 1996 film Jingle All the Way has become a yearly tradition for me.  Even as far as Schwarzenegger comedies go, this one is batshit crazy.  It's pretty much a live action cartoon, with Arnold miscast as an All-American Dad who will go to any insane lengths to procure a coveted Turbo Man doll for his son. It's got a pretty amazing cast, including Sinbad, Rita Wilson, Verne Troyer, The Big Show, Chris Parnell, Martin Mull, Curtis Armstrong, and many more. In one of his final roles, Phil Hartman is genuinely disturbing as a lecherous divorcee with designs on Arnold's wife and her "cookies".

There are a few depressing things about this movie you'll have to overlook, however.  Arnold's son is played by Jake "Young Anakin Skywalker" Lloyd, whose face and voice just make you want to beat the kid like a rug whenever he's onscreen.  Comedy legends Harvey Korman and Laraine Newman have a cameo at the beginning that lasts a matter of seconds, while Sinbad has the whole movie to "shine".  And then, of course, there's the message: You can neglect your child all you want, as long as you're able to purchase their love with a hard-to-find Christmas present.

However if you can just give yourself over to the insanity of it all, this movie is a wild ride involving toy store riots, kung-fu Santas, bomb threats, jetpacks, and Jim Belushi.  Just make sure you have plenty of Yuletide intoxicants on hand!

The Christmas Tree

John Roberts is a hilarious comedian famous for his repertoire of bizarre characters and his voice work as Linda on the terrific "Bob's Burgers". But arguably his most famous work is this video, in which he portrays a stareotypical Jersey mom for whom the titular tree is the most important part of the holiday (besides maybe Bailey's). Anyone who grew up in New Jersey and had a mom will absolutely see a little of her in Roberts' character. Watch this video once and you'll be quoting it all season, much to the delight/annoyance of those around you!

Die Hard

Die Hard is one of the best movies ever and if you don't agree, you shouldn't be allowed to live in this country.  I'll admit, though, that growing up, I never really thought of it as a Christmas movie.  Sure, it takes place on Christmas Eve, during a Christmas party, the limo driver is listening to "Christmas in Hollis", and there's that whole "now I have a machine gun, ho ho ho" thing, but mostly it's just two straight hours of John McClane and Alan Rickman being totally badass.  There's no Santa Claus, no Christmas-that-almost-wasn't, and no snow.  It takes place in 1980's Los Angeles, a "cultural abyss" (as my boss puts it) in which something like Christmas cannot thrive.

Nonetheless, it has become part of my regular rotation this time of year, and its association with Christmas only got stronger when I attended the annual midnight Christmas Eve screening of it in Manhattan last year wearing a Santa hat and drinking a thermos full of egg nog.  It may not be Miracle on 34th Street, but it's got a happy ending.  And watching William Atherton get punched in the face is enough to get anyone in the Christmas spirit!

All I Want for Christmas is You

Today somebody posted the Justin Bieber version of this song on Facebook, and I just couldn't bring myself to watch it. Not because I have anything against Justin Bieber - I mean he sucks, but millions of prepubescent girls seem to think he's great and I'm not going to argue with them. But "All I Want for Christmas is You" is just a sacred thing that shouldn't be fucked with. It was a big part of anyone's Christmas if they grew up in the 90's and is just an all-around good time. I mean come on, that opening piano bit? Great. It also reminds me of a time when Mariah Carey was a smokin' hot babe frolicking through fields of flowers in daisy dukes and not your weird aunt who tries too hard to still look sexy.

UPDATE: I finally did attempt to watch the Bieber/Carey version and had to stop before they even started singing because I was fucking horrified. It's basically Bieber and pals popping boners at Mariah while she skanks it up in a slutty Christmas outfit. Creepy and awful.

Another reason this song resonates with me is because just about every Christmas, without fail, I am recently single. And when this song comes on, it makes me think of whoever finally got fed up with my shit and hit the road the month before. But you know what? I don't get sad. Sure, it would be nice to have that "special someone" at Christmas, and the lyrics are all about how none of the other stuff matters without one, but the awesomeness of the song itself is enough to keep me from my usual ex-related spiral of despair. And that, my friends, is a true Christmas miracle.

Twas the Night Before Christmas

For some reason, the one Christmas TV special that I think of first every year is "Twas the Night Before Christmas". It's certainly not one of the more famous ones, but something about it made a strong impression on me as a kid. Maybe it was the fact that the Santa Claus in it had a beard, but no moustache, which I found really strange. Maybe it was because Santa is offended by a newspaper editorial that says people don't believe in him anymore, so he decides to cancel Christmas. First of all, I can believe that Santa delivers presents to every boy and girl in the world in one night - but where does he find the time to monitor every local newspaper? Maybe he has a team of elves working on it like the government people who would read everyone's mail during World War 2. And second of all, why would he be so convinced that one guy in some podunk town speaks for the entire world? Usually if Santa's going to cancel Christmas it's because of a big storm or a lack of presents or problems with the sled, not because he's being a whiny bitch. Well now I guess I can see why I remember it so well - I clearly gave it a lot of thought.

Anyway, the story is about a clockmaker who wants to make the town clock sing some song begging Santa to come back, but he can't make it work? Or he gets fired? Something like that. I know they're poor. Anyway, there is a friendly mouse family who lives in his house and they help him make it work at the end. Santa shows up and the titular poem is read, and it's a Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night. Like most Christmas specials it has a bunch of songs, and this catchy little ditty is one of my favorites from it.

Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You

There's nothing quite as great as a Christmas song that also rocks. Billy Squier was an early 80's rocker who never quite made it to legendary status (although my mother still thinks he was a "total hottie"). You might know him as the guy who sang "The Stroke", but I'll always remember him as the singer of one of my favorite Christmas songs. This video was filmed at MTV studios in 1981, a time when the "M" actually stood for something, and features the employees of the young network singing backup. Lord knows if this were done today the chorus would be filled with pregnant white trash 16 year olds and orange-skinned guidos.

Scrooged

Scrooged is one of my all-time favorite Christmas movies, because why wouldn't it be? It stars a pre-"I play a sad old man in everything" Bill Murray and has David "Buster Poindexter" Johansen as the Ghost of Christmas Past, Carol Kane as a gratuitously violent Ghost of Christmas Present, not to mention it was the last time Karen Allen was cute. Oh and did I mention Bobcat Goldthwait? It was co-written by Michael O'Donoghue, one of the original SNL writers who was famous for his extremely dark sense of humor, but he later disowned it and claimed there was too much meddling by the studio. He especially hated the ending, which he claims he was forced to change from one which was much more depressing. But I say screw Michael O'Donoghue - Bill Murray's speech about Christmas gets me every goddamn time. Legend has it that it was mostly improvised, and if so it's just another testament to Murray's genius. I think it's a perfect way to kick off this collection, so enjoy!