The Good Times Gang Saves Christmas

A little less than a month ago, I kicked off this year's Cavalcade early because I desperately needed the Christmas spirit to make up for what was, quite frankly, a terrible, terrible year. And wouldn't you know it - Christmas has delivered yet again. I've spent the last few weeks celebrating with old friends and new, reconnecting with family members, and of course, sharing my love of holiday-related pop culture with the Internets.

For this year's final entry, I'm choosing a short movie I made with my sister and my girlfriend at the time way back in the winter of 2008. The three of us had been sitting around one night talking about Christmas and our desire to work on some sort of creative project when we came up with the plot for the Ultimate Christmas Movie. The only problem was that it was almost Christmas, and we'd have to film the whole thing in one day. Undaunted, the girls called everyone we knew who might want to act in the film while I banged out a script. By the end of the night we had a script, but no cast. It turns out I'd have to play all six male

characters (which, in the long run, made the shoot less complicated and the movie even funnier).

The story revolves around a group of mystery-solving teen do-gooders known as the Good Times Gang, who must step in to save Christmas when a local toy shop is threatened by the construction of a nearby big box superstore - all the while being picked off one by one by a mysterious serial killer. The movie includes homages to Home Alone, A Christmas Carol, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Christmas-themed horror movies, and more, and has a soundtrack featuring pretty much all of my favorite holiday tunes. It clocks in at a little over sixteen minutes and yes, it was written, shot, and edited over the course of three days.

Our day of shooting was pretty brutal, what with it being freezing effing cold out and me having to constantly apply (and scrub off) various Sharpie marker moustaches. But we got through it - zipping all over my hometown of Ramsey, NJ and filming guerilla-style at a shopping center, the town library, and the alley behind the Walgreens. And in the end, it turned out to be a project I am extremely proud of - not just because it was a true Christmas Miracle how well it all turned out, but because it is sort of the best love letter to the holiday season I could have written and I got to make it with two great people.

You can probably only watch the whole thing if you're Facebook friends with me - the use of tons of copywritten Christmas songs means it never stays on YouTube for very long - but those lucky ones who not only read this blog but also get to be friends with me IRL can check it out (if you haven't already). Or, if you're not some Nigerian scam artist or Eastern European smut peddler, feel free to friend me.

Merry Christmas, everybody! And thanks for reading. Hope you and yours have a great one.

David Letterman

Long before he was the Elder Statesman of Late Night Television, David Letterman was bringing a very new and unique version of comedy to television - a bizarre, absurdist vibe that flew in the face of classic late night conventions. He was the bridge between the traditional style of Johnny Carson and modern-day comedy anarchists like Conan O'Brian and Jimmy Fallon. His persona, influenced deeply by writers like Merrill Markoe and Chris Elliot, has mellowed with age, but back in the 80s he was like nothing else on television. And he also did some pretty awesome Christmas-related stuff.

Before he was America's crazy Republican uncle who you hope doesn't start to talk politics at Thanksgiving dinner, Ted Nugent was the Motor City Madman. Here he is doing a duet of "The Christmas Song" with Dave back in the late 80's - I could have gone with a better quality clip, but this one includes a bit at the end with a cigar-chomping Dave riding with some Christmas carolers in a sleigh driven by 1987 Indy 500 winner Bobby Rayhal.


In December of 1986, Darlene Love appeared on Late Night to perform her classic "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" with Paul Schafer and The World's Most Dangerous Band. Dave was so impressed that he invited her back to do the song again next year, and every year since that for the past 27 years. Below is footage of her original '86 performance, as well as a mashup of all of her performances from Dave's Late Show days ('93-present).




Perhaps Letterman and company's most memorable Christmas invention was 1984's "Christmas with the Lettermans", in which Dave and his fake family welcome Pat Boone, the Doodletown Pipers, and monologist and "standup tragedy" performer Brother Theodore to their annual holiday special. Along the way, Dave's youngest son is sent on a tragic journey through the streets of New York City to fetch a tree, we learn that, sadly, Dave's "wife" Audrey Daniels-Letterman, was not a regular on Mission: Impossible, and the whole gang treats us to a rendition of the incredibly dumb "It Smells Like Christmas".

Love Actually

This time last year - almost to the day - I was on a flight to Aruba to attend a "destination wedding" with my girlfriend. Sounds awesome, right? Unfortunately, our relationship had been over since about a week after we bought the plane tickets months earlier. The only thing worse than the prospect of spending an awkward week in paradise with a girl for whom I felt nothing was the in-flight movie: New Year's Eve. The film, much like its predecessor Valentine's Day, was full of forced, pandering sentimentality and unnecessarily intertwining storylines. I love great movies, and I love shitty movies, but there are few things I hate as much as I hate mediocre movies. And the mediocrity of New Year's Eve, with its blandly attractive cast and cringe-worthy attempts at humor, was off the charts. Of course, movies like this would not have existed if it wasn't for the granddaddy of them all - 2003's Love Actually.

So obviously I had some reservations when I finally decided to sit down and watch Love Actually last night. But I had to watch it - it is beloved by many people whose opinions I respect, and widely recognized as a very Christmas-y movie. Plus it's kind of an iconic modern romantic comedy, and the next time it came up in conversation I would be able to condescendingly dismiss it using unassailable facts and logic. The opening didn't do much to change my preconceived notions - people hugging in an airport terminal, cheesy music and captions, Hugh Grant's lame-ass monologue (complete with a 9/11 reference and titular line). I had just settled my brains for a long winter's snark when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but the legendary Bill Nighy channeling Keith Richards. And that's when everything started to change.

Now I'm not going to say that Love Actually is a great movie. It it is, unsurprisingly, full of pandering sentimentality, worn out cliches, and genuinely eyeroll-inducing moments. You can pretty much guess how every character's story is going to end up within five minutes of meeting them. And there are too many goddamn characters, causing many plotlines to be poorly resolved or totally unnecessary. But like many other films or TV shows, the material is elevated by its stellar cast. There's a reason why LA's American ripoffs pale in comparison - America's sweethearts are Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Jon Bon Jovi, and Katherine Heigl, while Britain's sweethearts are Alan Rickman, Martin Freeman, Emma Thompson, and Hugh Grant (say what you will about the guy, he is never not the most charming dude on screen).

And let's face it, there are some pretty fantastic moments in this film if you just start to enjoy it for what it is. The Prime Minister getting revenge on the sleazy US President (played by Billy Bob Thornton?!) Awesome. Colin Firth learning Portuguese and then running off to propose to the love of his life? Awesome. Alan Rickman saying just about anything? Awesome. The weird looking dude who gets to bang every chick in Wisconsin, including Betty Draper? Well actually, I don't know how I feel about that one. As cheesy as it was, a lot of the romantic stuff in the movie was great, and there were plenty of lines that were actually, shockingly funny. Not to mention pretty much every single aspect of the movie revolves around Christmas, which is obviously a big plus in my book.

I can't believe I'm actually writing this, but Love Actually is just one big celebration of Love and Christmas - just as long as you realize that you're watching a silly romantic comedy. Apparently there is this big buzzkill article on Jezebel about how terrible it is - probably calling it an insidiously misogynist tool of the rape culture Patriarchy or some such - but I really don't want to read it because sometimes it's okay to just shut off your brain and watch something nice with a big, dumb smile on your face. Especially if it's Christmastime.

A Very Sunny Christmas

"A Very Sunny Christmas" is yet another example of something that combines one of my favorite things with Christmas - in this case, the terrible adventures of the awful employees of Paddy's Pub. It would be very easy for the Always Sunny gang to turn the expectations of a Christmas special on its head and make something cynical, where the conclusion is that Christmas is for suckers. But against all odds, "A Very Sunny Christmas" ends up being a surprisingly heartwarming episode of a show about five narcissistic, amoral monsters.

Like most "Always Sunny" episodes, this one consists of two different stories. Dennis and Dee, fed up with Frank's yearly tradition of buying their favorite Christmas presents for himself, decide to engage in a typically disastrous "Christmas Carol"-type scheme to show him the error of his ways (with the help of The Big Lebowski and Santa Claus: The Movie's David Huddleston). On the other side of town, Charlie and Mac desperately try to rekindle their Christmas spirit after making some horrifying realizations about their childhoods (Mac's parents were burglars, and Charlie's mom had sex with a neverending string of Santa Clauses on Christmas Day). Both tales feature some of the most hilariously disturbing scenes in Sunny history, including a sweaty, naked Danny Devito emerging from inside a leather couch and Charlie tearing out a mall Santa's throat with his teeth (not to mention a claymation Rudolph homage in which Frank is graphically eviscerated by the rest of the Gang).

Despite the gleefully nihilistic actions of the Paddy's gang, "A Very Sunny Christmas" manages to have the most (relatively) uplifting ending in the show's run. In a last-ditch attempt to harness the Christmas spirit, Charlie, Mac, Dee, and Dennis join forces to scream carols through the Philly streets (much to the chagrin of bottle-throwing locals). Frank has a rare moment of humanity and decides to give everyone what they want most for Christmas - until they're robbed by Huddleston. ("The bums will always lose!") In the face of a seemingly neverending string of assaults on their holiday enthusiasm, however, the Gang muddles through somehow and turns to the simple pleasures of Charlie and Mac's favorite childhood activity - throwing rocks at trains.

It certainly says something that only Christmas could bring out the sympathetic sides of the Paddy's gang, and this episode provides rare glimpses into their respective pasts which show that maybe, just maybe, they all would have turned out like decent human beings if they hadn't been irreparably messed up somewhere along the way. And the ending - with a young Mac throwing his arm around young Charlie's shoulders and walking home after a long day's train-pelting - is shockingly unironic and sentimental. "Always Sunny" is the last show you'd expect to leave you with that warm, fuzzy feeling, but it did happen once. And it'll probably never happen again.

Funky, Funky Christmas

If you were a kid growing up in the late 80s/early 90s, you were intimately familiar with the New Kids on the Block whether you wanted to be or not. If you were a girl, chances are you were owned mountains of their ubiquitous memoribilia which included the usual t-shirts, buttons, and posters but also dolls, trading cards, and board games. They were a pop culture phenomenon, and like many other pop culture phenomenons before and after them, they spawned a Christmas album.

"Merry, Merry Christmas" was the third album released by the Boston fivesome, and came at the peak of their career. Aside from many traditional covers, the album contains several original songs, including the top ten single "This One's for the Children". That's not the song we're going to talk about, though. My favorite ("favorite") song off of NKOTB's Christmas record is the supremely weird "Funky, Funky Christmas".

The New Kids always liked to portray themselves as being from the "street", particularly their resident Bad Boy Donnie Wahlberg. This song (not coincidentally co-written by Donnie) is about as "street" as they get, what with it consisting mostly of the Kids attempting to "rap". It begins with an elf named "Little Train" lamenting to Santa that Christmas is "boring" and then rejoicing that the New Kids on the Block have shown up to provide a "funky" Christmas. The Kids proceed to bust impossibly lame rhymes about the awesomeness of Christmas, punctuated by the impossibly lame "Funky, Funky Christmas" chorus.

One recurring theme of the New Kids was them trying to convince the world that they actually had talent, usually by insisting they did their own choreography or pretending to play instruments onstage. In this song, Santa claims "I bet you never knew" that Donnie played percussion, leading to a drum solo that I'm sure was totally performed by Mr. Wahlberg. "MC Santa" then wraps up the song with a list of shout outs to people like the "Northside Posse", the "Def Duo", and "Lou" - presumably infamous producer Lou Pearlman, who went on to form the Backstreet Boys and N*Sync using the exact same formula as the New Kids.



This song sucks. It's horrible. It's probably the worst Christmas song I can think of, and I know pretty much every one. But with the ultra white New Kids trying to be "street" and Christmas-y at the same time, it's also easily the most hilarious. (Sorry, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"!)

The Office: Christmas Party

Tonight is the night of my office Christmas party, so I figure there's no better time to discuss one of my favorite episodes of what is probably my favorite show of all time. The second season of the American version of The Office is widely considered to be its best, when the show most skillfully combined incredibly well-written humor with genuine emotional moments. Long before it became overstuffed with third-string characters and endless subplots, the show mostly concerned itself with the relationship between Jim and Pam (who wouldn't truly get together for another season and a half) and the clueless insensitivity of Michael Scott. And not only is this episode solid on its own merits, it deals with both of these subjects in a perfect way.

"Christmas Party" revolves around the office's annual Secret Santa gift swap, and for the first time ever Jim has gotten his beloved Pam's name in the drawing. He gives her a super thoughtful gift - a tea pot, since she loves tea - and fills it with inside jokes and reminders of great times they've spent together. The icing on the cake is a card which Jim cryptically explains by saying, "Christmas is the time to tell people how you really feel." On the Michael front, the self-proclaimed "World's Best Boss" is planning on impressing Ryan the temp (with whom he shares a very one-sided, very homoerotic relationship) with a brand new video iPod - a gift which clearly exceeds the recommended $20 limit. When Michael receives Phyllis' oven mitt as his gift, he flies into a childish rage and much to his employees' dismay switches the format to "Yankee Swap" - something Dwight accurately describes as "Machiavelli meets... Christmas."
Eventually Michael realizes the error of his ways - it turns out the only thing he likes more than proper recognition is an awesome Christmas party. To make up for his tantrum he purchases a shitload of vodka, everyone gets wasted, and the gang has a great time. The night ends with refrigeration magnate Bob Vance taking them all out to Poor Richard's for an afterparty, but not before a spirited snowball fight in the Dunder Mifflin parking lot. Oh and Pam ends up with the tea pot, but minus the card. Michael sums it up in typical fashion:

"Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time."

Michael Scott may be an asshole most of the time, but you really can't argue with that. In fact, as the show went on and the writers were forced to make him more sympathetic, his dickishness was replaced with more of a naive lack of self-awareness, and a childlike need to be liked and surrounded with people who cared about him. He and Christmas are a perfect fit - it's no wonder it's his favorite holiday.

The Rockefeller Center Tree

There are few more festive places to be in New York City this time of year than Rockefeller Center. Between the trumpeting angels, the smell of roasting chestnuts in the air, and the skating rink, it's all but impossible not to get wrapped up in the holiday spirit while you're there - it is a testament to its power that Rockefeller Center at Christmastime is one of the few places where you are more likely to react to tourists with a friendly smile than immediate murderous rage. But the real reason everyone's there is obviously the world famous tree that overlooks the rink.

As a kid growing up in North Jersey in the 80s and 90s, I was as enthralled with New York City as my mother was petrified of it. We only visited once a year - to see the tree - and it was a quick walk from the parking garage to Rockefeller Plaza and back, with Mom insisting that I not make eye contact with anyone along the way for fear of setting off some sort of junkie gang attack. Back then the combination of the crowds and my small stature ensured that my view consisted mostly of a whole bunch of acid-washed jeans,
but now that I'm tall enough to appreciate it, I try to make it there at least once a year.

The first Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center was a modest 20-footer put up by workers during 30 Rock's construction and decorated with strings of cranberries, paper garlands, and tin cans. The first official tree lighting was in 1933, and NBC Radio breathlessly described the 50 foot tree to a nation of listeners back when people could still use their imaginations. The ceremony was first televised in 1951 and hosted by the "first lady of radio", Kate Smith. Since then it has been hosted by stars such as Barbara Walters, Bob Hope, Lilly Tomlin, and Liza Minnelli. Nowadays the duties usually fall to the cast of NBC's Today Show.

The average Rockefeller tree is around 75 feet tall and is decorated with tens of thousands of lights. For the past ten years it has been topped with the Swarovski Star, which contains 25,000 crystal panels and weighs 550 pounds. The largest ever tree was a 100-foot Norway spruce which was erected in 1999.

This year's tree lighting ceremony, which is airing tonight, features musical performances by America's slutty aunt Mariah Carey, 90s R&B stars with nothing better to do Toni Braxton, Mary J. Blige, Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds, and Ashanti, Kelly "The Only Famous American Idol" Clarkson, the Goo Goo Dolls for some reason, and this year's model of the Disney Actoteensingatron 3000™, Ariana Grande. And it's starting right now so I'd better wrap this thing up!

Santa's Slay

There have been a lot of horror-themed Christmas movies made over the years, but it's very hard to find one in which Santa Claus himself is the killer. Sure, there are plenty of flicks where the villain is a guy dressed in a Santa outfit, which I guess is kind of cool, but for the most part the killings are performed by a mutant snowman, a deranged chef, or just a plain ol' serial killer. Call me crazy, but all I wanted was a movie where Santa Claus himself snapped and started murdering people - and finally my prayers were answered with the 2005 film Santa's Slay.

The movie stars WCW wrestler Bill Goldberg as Santa, who apparently is a demon who lost a bet with an angel and must spend eternity delivering toys to children all over the world. Once the bet is off, however, he decides to take out his pent-up hostility on the residents of a charming Midwestern town. The movie also features SCTV alum Dave Thomas as the mayor, veteran character actor Saul Rubinek as "Mr. Green", and 70's television staple Robert Culp as "Grandpa". The only problem? It sucks. How could you make a movie about a bloodthirsty Santa Claus played by a former wrestler suck? It could be that it was written and directed by David Steiman, whose main credit up until that point was assistant to Bret Rattner. But for whatever reason, other than a few random Santa Claus murders, Santa's Slay is a major disappointment.

The one thing that almost saves the movie, though, is its opening scene. For some reason, Steiman had access to the most random assortment collection of actors ever, including James Caan, Fran Dresher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart. In their all-too-brief scene, they play a family of awful people whose Christmas dinner is interrupted when Santa comes down the chimney. Santa proceeds to gleefully murder the entire clan, including the dog. It's a fantastic, jaw-dropping scene and probably the only part of Santa's Slay you really need to see. When it comes to Christmas movies about murderous monsters, you should probably stick to Gremlins.

Ernest Saves Christmas

There was a time in the 1980s when you could not escape the media empire of Ernest P. Worrell. Having risen from the obscurity of selling milk, cars, and aluminum siding on the Kentucky/Oklahoma airwaves, actor Jim Varney's dimwitted yet purehearted creation burst into the national spotlight with 1987's instant classic Ernest Goes to Camp, followed by the Saturday morning series Hey Vern, It's Ernest! Eventually the fickle American viewing public turned its back on Ernest as he continued to churn out obscure titles like Ernest Goes to School, Ernest Rides Again, and Ernest Goes to Africa. Before his star faded, however, he had one last hurrah with 1988's Ernest Saves Christmas.

In every Ernest movie (and this is an educated guess, since I've only seen 3 of the 9), Ernest has a job that he's terrible at. In Ernest Saves Christmas, he's a shitty cab driver who ends up in possession of both Santa's magic sack and a rebellious teen runaway named Harmony. Santa's in town to pick a successor, and his eye is on kindly local kids' show host Joe Carruthers. Unfortunately, Joe is also being courted by a sleazy Hollywood agent who wants him to star in a very kid-unfriendly horror movie called "Santa's Slay". Throughout the movie, Ernest and Harmony scramble to bust Santa out of jail, convince Joe to take the job, and get the reindeer and sled in the air on time - not to mention use Christmas Magic to make it snow in Orlando.

The movie features the usual callbacks to Ernest mythology, including the wacky duo of "Chuck & Bobby" and a visit to the perpetually put-upon "Vern". As far as Ernest goes, it's kind of ironic that an actor so adept at playing a wide array of characters managed to get typecast as one guy for the majority of his career, especially one whose schtick gets old really quick. The one saving grace of Ernest, though, is his childlike innocence and irrepressible enthusiasm - qualities that make him the perfect choice to save Christmas, a summer camp, or, presumably, Africa.

A Very Special Christmas

The "Very Special Christmas" album series began in 1987 when superproducer Jimmy Iovine decided to honor the memory of his father by getting his famous musician friends together to record original or cover versions of Christmas songs for charity. The albums raise money for the Special Olympics and famously feature cover art by Keith Haring. Last year marked the 25th anniversary of the series, which was celebrated with an album featuring Train, Amy Grant, Jordin Sparks, and Jason Mraz.

"A Very Special Christmas" wasn't always mind-bendingly awful, though. Yes, forgettable tracks like Chris Cornell's "Ave Maria", Wyclef Jean's "Little Drummer Boy/Hot Hot Hot" medley, and Kellie Pickler's "Santa Baby" have dominated the series over its 8-album run, but if you have a holiday favorite that was recorded after 1968, it was probably from one of these records. Here are some of my favorites:

One might say that the "A Very Special Christmas", like M. Night Shamylan, peaked right out of the gate. And one would probably be right. The first album is chock full of classics like Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis", the song that is perhaps most commonly associated with the series. Among other memorable phrases, it includes "the hawk is out", which apparently is a Chicago slang term for "it is uncomfortably windy and cold". Check out the video, which has an intro featuring a classic Simon game and the creepiest goddamn elf you'll ever see.

Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen just seems like a great guy to party with. And what better time to party than Christmas? I don't know about you, but his songs (at least the more upbeat ones) are filled with an infectious joy that translates perfectly to the holiday season. More people are familiar with his ass-kicking version of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" (which I will almost certainly write about later), but his cover of the R&B classic "Merry Christmas Baby" is no slouch either. Here's a video of him performing the song during a 2002 appearance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien with E Street drummer Max Weinberg, Conan (kind of) on guitar, and the late, great Clarence "Big Man" Clemons (on the bells?).

Christmas is awesome. Tom Petty is awesome. Therefore, using some sort of equation, a Tom Petty Christmas song must be doubly awesome. And yes, it looks like the math checks out. I wonder if Tom ever got that Chuck Berry songbook he wanted? This song was the opening track on "A Very Special Christmas 2", and yeah, it was kind of all downhill from there (for the series, not Tom Petty. Although "The Last DJ" was pretty lame).

We Need A Little Christmas

For the longest time, I've been adamant that the Christmas season does NOT officially begin until the day after Thanksgiving. Not only was that just the way it worked in my house, but I felt that expanding the season any further would somehow dilute its potency. This year, as the Christmas advertisements and decorations began popping up around Halloween time, I shook my head in disbelief. No matter what, I was going to hold out until the proper date. Christmas demanded it.

This year, though, things are different. To say I've had a rough year would be a ridiculous understatement, and the advent of cold weather and fewer hours of sunlight have come at the worst possible time. I found myself having to gather up all my effort simply to go through the motions, and I was wondering when something, anything, would come along to snap me out of it. Then, last Thursday, as I looked out the windows of my office towards the Empire State Building, I got a sign.

It was November 12th, and the building was lit up with its brand new awesome LED lights in red and green (for the opening of the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, which I was unaware of at the time). It was then and there that I decided that my annual immersion into All Things Christmas would begin immediately. Because if there was one thing that would break me out of this funk, it was Christmas. And if I was going to make that happen, I had to get started early.

So here we are, kicking off what is sure to be the best Cavalcade yet with a very appropriate song, "We Need a Little Christmas". The song is from Mame, the 1966 Broadway musical which was based on the 1958 film Auntie Mame, which was based on the 1956 play Auntie Mame, which was based on the 1955 novel Auntie Mame. It was originally sung by Ms. Angela Lansbury, who most people will recognize as Jessica Fletcher from TV's Murder She Wrote, but who also has an extensive background in musical theater with lead roles throughout the 60s and 70s in shows like Gypsy, The King and I, and Sweeney Todd. Of course, her musical background will come as no surprise to fans of 1971's Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Mame tells the all-too-relatable story of a bohemian free spirit who tries to live life to the fullest, but is eventually brought down to earth when faced with real world responsibilities and adversities (in Auntie Mame's case, having to adopt her nephew and losing her fortune in the 1929 stock market crash). When the latter happens, however, the titular Auntie puts her philosophy into practice ("Life is a banquet, and most poor sons-of-bitches are starving to death") and seeks to obliterate everyone's post-crash bummer with a full scale Christmas assault.

Auntie Mame has come a ways from her days as a carefree bohemian, however, as is evident in this excerpt from the song:

For I've grown a little leaner,
Grown a little colder,
Grown a little sadder,
Grown a little older,
And I need a little angel
Sitting on my shoulder,
Need a little Christmas now.

As much as things might suck for Mame and her crew, she's not going to sit around and mope about it. Instead, she decides to power through it with the help of the overwhelming magical power of Christmas. And if a fictional character can do it, so can I! (I've used the same logic when I've needed to fire torpedoes into a space station's exhaust duct, dispose of a magical ring in a volcano, and defeat the Russian national boxing champion.) Merry Christmas everybody - let's do it up right.