The Good Times Gang Saves Christmas

A little less than a month ago, I kicked off this year's Cavalcade early because I desperately needed the Christmas spirit to make up for what was, quite frankly, a terrible, terrible year. And wouldn't you know it - Christmas has delivered yet again. I've spent the last few weeks celebrating with old friends and new, reconnecting with family members, and of course, sharing my love of holiday-related pop culture with the Internets.

For this year's final entry, I'm choosing a short movie I made with my sister and my girlfriend at the time way back in the winter of 2008. The three of us had been sitting around one night talking about Christmas and our desire to work on some sort of creative project when we came up with the plot for the Ultimate Christmas Movie. The only problem was that it was almost Christmas, and we'd have to film the whole thing in one day. Undaunted, the girls called everyone we knew who might want to act in the film while I banged out a script. By the end of the night we had a script, but no cast. It turns out I'd have to play all six male

characters (which, in the long run, made the shoot less complicated and the movie even funnier).

The story revolves around a group of mystery-solving teen do-gooders known as the Good Times Gang, who must step in to save Christmas when a local toy shop is threatened by the construction of a nearby big box superstore - all the while being picked off one by one by a mysterious serial killer. The movie includes homages to Home Alone, A Christmas Carol, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Christmas-themed horror movies, and more, and has a soundtrack featuring pretty much all of my favorite holiday tunes. It clocks in at a little over sixteen minutes and yes, it was written, shot, and edited over the course of three days.

Our day of shooting was pretty brutal, what with it being freezing effing cold out and me having to constantly apply (and scrub off) various Sharpie marker moustaches. But we got through it - zipping all over my hometown of Ramsey, NJ and filming guerilla-style at a shopping center, the town library, and the alley behind the Walgreens. And in the end, it turned out to be a project I am extremely proud of - not just because it was a true Christmas Miracle how well it all turned out, but because it is sort of the best love letter to the holiday season I could have written and I got to make it with two great people.

You can probably only watch the whole thing if you're Facebook friends with me - the use of tons of copywritten Christmas songs means it never stays on YouTube for very long - but those lucky ones who not only read this blog but also get to be friends with me IRL can check it out (if you haven't already). Or, if you're not some Nigerian scam artist or Eastern European smut peddler, feel free to friend me.

Merry Christmas, everybody! And thanks for reading. Hope you and yours have a great one.

The Rockefeller Center Tree

There are few more festive places to be in New York City this time of year than Rockefeller Center. Between the trumpeting angels, the smell of roasting chestnuts in the air, and the skating rink, it's all but impossible not to get wrapped up in the holiday spirit while you're there - it is a testament to its power that Rockefeller Center at Christmastime is one of the few places where you are more likely to react to tourists with a friendly smile than immediate murderous rage. But the real reason everyone's there is obviously the world famous tree that overlooks the rink.

As a kid growing up in North Jersey in the 80s and 90s, I was as enthralled with New York City as my mother was petrified of it. We only visited once a year - to see the tree - and it was a quick walk from the parking garage to Rockefeller Plaza and back, with Mom insisting that I not make eye contact with anyone along the way for fear of setting off some sort of junkie gang attack. Back then the combination of the crowds and my small stature ensured that my view consisted mostly of a whole bunch of acid-washed jeans,
but now that I'm tall enough to appreciate it, I try to make it there at least once a year.

The first Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center was a modest 20-footer put up by workers during 30 Rock's construction and decorated with strings of cranberries, paper garlands, and tin cans. The first official tree lighting was in 1933, and NBC Radio breathlessly described the 50 foot tree to a nation of listeners back when people could still use their imaginations. The ceremony was first televised in 1951 and hosted by the "first lady of radio", Kate Smith. Since then it has been hosted by stars such as Barbara Walters, Bob Hope, Lilly Tomlin, and Liza Minnelli. Nowadays the duties usually fall to the cast of NBC's Today Show.

The average Rockefeller tree is around 75 feet tall and is decorated with tens of thousands of lights. For the past ten years it has been topped with the Swarovski Star, which contains 25,000 crystal panels and weighs 550 pounds. The largest ever tree was a 100-foot Norway spruce which was erected in 1999.

This year's tree lighting ceremony, which is airing tonight, features musical performances by America's slutty aunt Mariah Carey, 90s R&B stars with nothing better to do Toni Braxton, Mary J. Blige, Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds, and Ashanti, Kelly "The Only Famous American Idol" Clarkson, the Goo Goo Dolls for some reason, and this year's model of the Disney Actoteensingatron 3000™, Ariana Grande. And it's starting right now so I'd better wrap this thing up!

New Year's Eve

Okay, so the Cavalcade isn't done just yet. New Year's Eve is technically part of the "holiday season", and no one takes down the Christmas decorations until after it's over. Unfortunately, I really can't muster anywhere near the same enthusiasm for the 31st that I can for the 25th. Maybe it's because it marks the end of the holidays and the beginning of Just Plain Winter. Maybe it's because I very rarely have someone to kiss at midnight. Maybe it's because I'm emotionally spent after blowing my Christmas wad. Whatever it is, it's pretty lame. But that's certainly not going to stop me from writing a blog post about it!

The one thing you can always count on on New Year's Eve is that everyone usually waits until the last minute to make plans, and as a result things end up being pretty half-assed. Gawker actually wrote a really great article about the five types of New Year's parties, most of which suck. Frank Loesser, who also wrote "Baby, it's Cold Outside", encourages us to avoid these problems by planning ahead (even if it's much too early in the game) in his song "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?" And no, I'm not going to post that Zooey Deschanel/Joseph Gordon Levitt version that's been all over Facebook. Even though yes, it is fucking adorable.



As you may already know, I love The OC. And one of the most memorable episodes from its stellar first season is when Ryan makes it to the New Year's party just in time to keep Marissa from having to kiss Oliver at midnight. Oliver, of course, was the creepy weirdo she met in her therapist's waiting room who she keeps insisting to Ryan is "just a friend" even though he is, as I mentioned, a creepy weirdo who (SPOILER ALERT) ends up in a scary situation later in the season involving pills and guns. But anyway, here is the scene in which Ryan (as usual) saves the day. SWOON.



John Roberts, famous for The Christmas Tree, recently brought back his New Jersey mom character for an epic New Year's video. In it, Mom prepares for a party, philosophizes about New Year's resolutions, and gets drunk with her best friend Fran (played by Blondie's Debbie Harry). Enjoy it, and have a great 2012, everybody!

Christmastime for the Jews

Robert Smeigel, the genius behind TV Funhouse, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, and uh, Don't Mess with the Zohan (okay, two out of three ain't bad), is responsible for this fantastic song. Darlene Love tells us what our Jewish friends are up to while we're inside celebrating Christmas - blasting Streisand, playing professional basketball, and drinking their "sweet ass wine".

A Very Fuppets Holiday Christmas

In 1999, Portuguese artist Arturo Lima created the "Tiny Fuppets" - a group of baby creatures who have whimsical adventures together. Although they may bear a striking resemblance to other, similar, and arguably more popular characters, they are entirely original and were thought up by Lima during a particularly inspirational fanboat ride. Or so the story goes.

American fans of the Tiny Fuppets have had to wait patiently as episodes of the classic series slowly leak into the United States. Their patience and loyalty were rewarded this week when Lima released the fifth Fuppets cartoon for American audiences - "A Very Fuppets Holiday Christmas". In it, Kormit, Mrs. Woman, Animanuel, Gonzor, and Tummi engage in a danger-filled yuletide journey to their cabin in the backyard. It features a special guest star not seen since "Party Pals" and is dedicated to the memory of Piano Dog. Enjoy!

Celebrity Bric-a-Brac Theater

I really can't believe it's taken me so long to share "The First Christmas", my favorite episode of Celebrity Bric-a-Brac Theater.  Basically this guy acts out bizarre "true stories" about the origins of holidays using the kind of crap your grandmother has lying around her house.  This in itself is hilarious, but add to it the fact that the characters are given the voices of random celebrities from Jack Palance to John Madden to David Letterman and Marlon Brando, and you've got comedy gold. 

In this episode, we learn that Santa Claus was once an eskimo named John Madden until he was transformed by the Spirit of Christmas.  All seems to go well until Santa is faced with the ultimate temptation - delicious chocolate pudding.  I'd explain more but you really should just check it out for yourself.  And remember - "Pudding pudding, kill kill!"

Christmas Shoes

"Christmas Shoes" is an awful, awful song by the Christian rock band Newsong which somehow manages to sneak into the rotation on those stations that play Christmas music all through December. Its inexplicable popularity even got it made into a book and a  TV movie starring Rob Lowe. Much like I can't understand how people can recreationally listen to techno music while they're just hanging around the house, I will never understand how anyone could possibly enjoy this song. Of course, leave it to standup comedian Patton Oswalt to break down all of the many, many reasons why this song is just the absolute worst.

The Christmas Tree

John Roberts is a hilarious comedian famous for his repertoire of bizarre characters and his voice work as Linda on the terrific "Bob's Burgers". But arguably his most famous work is this video, in which he portrays a stareotypical Jersey mom for whom the titular tree is the most important part of the holiday (besides maybe Bailey's). Anyone who grew up in New Jersey and had a mom will absolutely see a little of her in Roberts' character. Watch this video once and you'll be quoting it all season, much to the delight/annoyance of those around you!