The Long Kiss Goodnight

Much like Lifetime original Christmas movies, the films of Shane Black often follow a very specific formula (and my apologies to Shane Black for being the first and last person to compare his films to Lifetime original Christmas movies). A mismatched pair of protagonists. An endless supply of smartly written banter. A colorful cast of side characters and villains. A precocious child. Lots of smoking and/or drinking. A convoluted, sinister conspiracy. Tons of kickass action. But of course my favorite thing about Shane Black films is that most of them involve Christmas in some way. Why? Who knows. You don't question a genius.*

Black cut his teeth scripting The Monster Squad, but he really made his mark on Hollywood as the screenwriter of the 1987 blockbuster Lethal Weapon - the first film where he put the Shane Black Formula to work. It's actually said that the quintessential Christmas action flick, Die Hard, was only set at Christmas at the request of producer Joel Silver, who got the idea when he was working on Lethal Weapon. And yes, Die Hard rules. You aren't going to get any argument about that from me. But the empirically proven fact is that it is eclipsed in every possible category by a movie I discovered shockingly recently - 1996's The Long Kiss Goodnight.

The film opens on a small town Christmas parade, in which beloved schoolteacher Samantha Caine (the always awesome Geena Davis) is presiding over a float. She has a loving family, an adorable

daughter, and a lovely home. Driving an inebriated guest home from her Christmas party, however, Samantha gets into an accident which triggers strange memories of her violent past as CIA assassin Charley Baltimore.

After an assassin notices her on the news and shows up at the house for the first of many beautiful gun-centric action sequences, she decides to hit the road with comically mismatched private eye Mitch Henessey (Samuel L. Jackson). They encounter a colorful cast of side characters and villains, engage in endless smartly written banter, do a lot of smoking and drinking, perpetrate tons of kickass action, and uncover a convoluted, sinister conspiracy.The fact that Black can pretty much do the same damn thing over and over and still make it hugely original every time is a testament to his talent.

And unlike Die Hard, the Christmas season isn't just in the background of The Long Kiss Goodnight - it's practically a character. Its settings include a charming small town that wouldn't be out of place in a Lifetime original Christmas movie (sorry, Shane), among other rustic locales. There are decorations and revelers everywhere, and plenty of seasonal tunes. The numerous action sequences are accented by falling snow and Christmas lights. It's a movie that simultaneously gets you in the holiday spirit as well as Rudolph and manages to be one of the most kickass action movies of all time.

The Long Kiss Goodnight is also one of the first movies to feature a female lead in a blockbuster action film - the concept of Davis, then-husband/director Renny Harlin, and Black, who fought for Davis' casting over Stephen Seagal and Sylvester Stallone. Both of which would have been awful. The movie takes place in and around New Jersey (which scores points for any movie in my book). And the dialogue includes some of the most quotable and hilarious lines in any Shane Black movie. It just frigging rules.

So if you have yet to discover this hidden gem in the Shame Black catalogue, I highly suggest getting your hands on it in any form (I recommend classic VHS, of course) and watching it this holiday season. I'll be watching Die Hard this year, of course, but I'll probably be watching The Long Kiss Goodnight like five times.

*The answer can actually be found in this video essay by the brilliant Patrick H Willems:

Thank God It's Christmas

It’s just good business sense for a musician to release a Christmas album. You see, careers come and go, but Christmas is forever. Long after people have forgotten “Emotions”, “Dreamlover”, and “Fantasy”, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” will still be a beloved holiday classic. However while many artists, both established (Bruce Springsteen, Paul McCartney) and one-hit wonders (Billy Squier, Wizzard), have created immortal Christmas tracks, some huge stars miss the mark for some reason. Britney Spears, for example, surely will never understand why her “My Only Wish This Year” didn’t become a perennial favorite. Another example of this is Queen, who in 1984 recorded their own forgotten Christmas tune, “Thank God it’s Christmas”.

The song is surprisingly minimalist for a band known for their bombast and theatricality. Much of it is simply Freddy Mercury’s voice accompanied by a synth drum loop and a soft organ playing in the background, with the occasional addition of a subtle guitar or sleigh bell accompaniment. Mercury sings passionately of Christmas being a welcome respite from the painful year he’s had, and that pain and optimism is reflected perfectly in his famously emotive voice. Even without the benefit of operatic harmonies and Brian May’s epic guitar, it manages to be a pretty epic song.

“Thank God it’s Christmas” was never included on a studio album until over a decade after its release as a single, at which point it was crammed into a greatest hits collection. It doesn’t get much (if any) airplay, so most people don’t even know it exists. But do yourself a favor and dig up this forgotten track this holiday season – only Freddy Mercury could pull off something that is so powerfully melancholy and hopeful in equal measures. Well okay, maybe also Stevie Wonder.

A Very Murray Christmas

Bill Murray is an enigma. Is he a crooning party guy?  A hard drinking, temperamental Irish brawler? A melancholy loner? No one knows for sure, and it’s probably better that way. His persona is based on that mystery, and he owes much of his legacy to it. A Very Murray Christmas attempts to show us the “real” Bill Murray - but after an hour, we are left with no more answers than we had before.

A Very Murray Christmas finds the legendary actor holed up in a swanky New York City hotel where he is scheduled to do a live Christmas special. Unfortunately, a snow storm has closed the city down and things have to be scaled back dramatically. Much of the show is a loving throwback to variety shows of the past, with guests “stopping by” to perform a song with Murray, with the hotel’s waitstaff often acting as backup singers/band. Of particular note are Maya Rudolph as a sultry, world-weary divorcee who belts out “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” and Jenny Lewis as a waitress performing a surprisingly un-creepy rendition of “Baby it’s Cold Outside”. My favorite performance, though, is Murray, Lewis, and David “Buster Poindexter” Johansen’s interpretation the Pogues’ epic “Fairytale of New York”.

At one point Murray passes out and enters a dream sequence in which he lives out the Christmas special that was meant to be, alongside superstars George Clooney and Miley Cyrus. Proving that there is indeed a whole lot of talent behind all that twerking, Miley performs an awe-inspiring rendition of “Silent Night”. Clooney shows off his considerable charm as he engages in cheesy stage banter with Murray and sings backup on “Santa Claus Needs Some Lovin”.

I love everything about A Very Murray Christmas, from its variety show feel to its eclectic cast to its impressive and often moving musical numbers. I have no idea what inspired Sophia Coppola to do a Bill Murray-themed Christmas special, but I sure am glad she did. No matter what kind of guy Murray really is, he has truly given the world a beautiful Christmas gift.

The Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special

As a kid, I was obsessed with Pee-Wee's Playhouse. I preferred it to Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, which gave me nightmares with its visions of frolicking demons, road-tripping serial killers, and Large Marge. I never missed an episode on Saturday mornings and meticulously recorded each one on a VHS tape - which makes it strange that I never saw The Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special until recently. And man oh man, was I missing out. It takes everything that made the Playhouse insane, cranks it up, and rips off the knob.

Pee-Wee Herman can trace his origins back to the Groundlings, where a young Paul Reubens and a colleague named Phil Hartman created what was ostensibly a stage show for kids, but was filled with subversive and adult humor. The show was eventually filmed for an HBO special, which ironically morphed into an actual kids' show featuring a young Laurence Fishburne as Cowboy Curtis, Law & Order's S. Epatha Merkerson as Mail Lady Reba, and Lynne Marie Stewart as Miss Yvonne, who would go on to play Charlie's Mom on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

The first thing that you notice as an adult watching The Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special is that it not only shares the John Waters-esque camp sensibilities of the show, but it is loaded with gay icons. Guests include Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Grace Jones, k.d. lang, Whoopi Goldberg, Joan Rivers, Cher, Little Richard, Charo, and the elderly, ukulele playing Del Rubio Triplets (not to mention an opening number by a chorus line of hunky Marines). Reubens' orientation has always been mysterious - he has been attached to adult film star Brooke Ashley and actress Debi Mazar, but also has an enormous collection of vintage gay erotica which got him roped into the Jeffrey Jones child pornography investigation in 2001.

The plot of the special revolves around Pee-Wee being a spoiled, present-obsessed brat who demands extra wishes from Jambi and turns an arts and crafts segment with Frankie and Annette into sadistic slave labor. Along the way he participates in some typical Playhouse rituals - getting a magic word from Conky, jumping into the Magic Screen (with Magic Johnson), and watching one of the King of Cartoon's bizarre animations. Sprinkled throughout are musical numbers and visits from Playhouse regulars, and the whole thing ends with a visit from Santa. It turns out that Pee-Wee has asked for so many presents that there is no room left in Santa's sled for anyone else's gifts. Pee-Wee eventually breaks down and decides to share his haul with the children of the world, and learns a valuable lesson about how the holidays are about being selfless, not selfish.

The Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special is a rare treat for Pee-Wee fans for whom this flew under the radar the first time around, as well as lovers of all things kitsch, camp, and (let's face it) super, super gay. With a lineup like this it's truly something to behold - even if you're petrified by the thought of Grace Jones emerging from a wooden crate.

The Ref

In between his time as a chain smoking, rapid fire monologuist and his tenure as a basic cable auteur, it looked for a second like comedian Dennis Leary might become a legit movie star. The 90s brought major roles in films like Operation Dumbo Drop, Judgment Night, and Suicide Kings. He even popped up as a rebel leader in Demolition Man and wrote the romantic comedy Two if By Sea with Mike Armstrong, who he had met while working on MTV's Remote Control. My favorite role of his, though, has got to be that of Gus in 1994's The Ref.

No one has ever accused Leary of having much range - he's at his best when he's sticking close to his foul mouthed, grouchy persona, and The Ref definitely allows him to do that. Robbing a house on Christmas eve, things go horribly wrong and Gus is forced to take refuge in the car (and home) of the Chasseurs, a bickering yuppie couple. Now hostages, Lloyd and Caroline (Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis) infuriate Gus with their incessant sniping as he frantically tries to plan an escape. Much like in The Birdcage, the film climaxes with a family dinner that goes horribly (and predictably) wrong. Gus manages to leave town with the help of the Chasseurs' estranged son and the entire incident ends up bringing the couple closer than ever.

The reason this movie works so well is a combination of great writing and great acting. The film is infinitely quotable, particularly the Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf-esque scene towards the end when the Chasseurs finally unload on each other - and their assembled family members. Spacey and Davis are able to delightfully spit venom at each other and simultaneously show glimpses of the people they used to be before life didn't turn out the way they thought it would. Christine Baranski is great as Lloyd's passive-aggressive yuppie sister-in-law, but it's Glynis Johns - the adorable Mrs. Banks in Mary Poppins - who steals the show as the cold-hearted matriarch of the Chasseur clan. Leary does what he does best for the most part, and some of his finest acting is unspoken when he observes the surprising effect his "visit" has had on the Chasseurs as Lloyd and Caroline have their epic meltdown.

The Ref has all the elements of a classic Christmas movie - a snow covered small town, a Christmas tree, a family coming together, etc. Although in this film the town is full of selfish bluebloods and incompetent cops, the tree is beaten repeatedly with a fireplace poker, and the family only comes together after binding and gagging their annoying relatives. The Ref is profane, witty, and like the best Christmas comedies, manages to perfectly ride the line between cynicism and authenticity. I just saw it for the first time and it's now one of my favorites. Make it one of yours, if it isn't already.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Anyone who knows me knows that I love karaoke. And when Christmas time comes around, there's one song that I have to sing simply because I get to channel, in some small way, the infectious joy of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. There's no feeling quite like it, and it's the one holiday tune that is guaranteed to win over a crowd of even the most cynical hipsters. That song, of course, is Bruce and the boys' legendary version of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town".

The famous version that we all know and love was recorded on December 14th, 1975 at a concert in Long Island, and was the B-side to "My Hometown". The song was so popular that it became a staple of Bruce's live shows during the Christmas season - and sometimes the off-season, such as a memorable 2009 performance at Bonnaroo. Those who have seen the whole production with their own eyes will tell you of the magical moment when saxophonist Clarence "Big Man" Clemons would step out dressed as Santa as Christmas lights began to light up all over the amps. Clemons also sang backup and provided the song with one hell of a sax solo until his death in 2011.

The song is known for Bruce's intro, in which he famously describes the "wind whippin' down the boardwalk" and asks the crowd if they've been good this year ("Not many!" he replies). In this 1978 version, he prefaces the song with an awesome, extended Jersey Shore fairy tale. Enjoy!

A Muppet Family Christmas

When you talk to people about the Muppets' Christmas movie, they usually think of The Muppet Christmas Carol. Which is a good movie, don't get me wrong, but it just doesn't quite work for me. Sure it was written by Jerry Juhl, Jim Henson's first employee, features most of the original voices and puppeteers, and it's got effing Michael Caine as Scrooge, but you can just kinda tell it's the first movie without Jim Henson in charge (he had died two years earlier). Plus it's way too schmaltzy. The Muppet Christmas movie I wish more people were familiar with is A Muppet Family Christmas.

A Muppet Family Christmas is a TV special from 1987, which later received a limited VHS release in a heavily edited form. It is notable for being one of the few occasions where characters from the four major Muppet brands got together (The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, and the Muppet Babies), and being Jim Henson's last major Muppets production. In it, Fozzie Bear and friends travel to his mom's house to surprise her for Christmas, not knowing that Emily Bear has gone on vacation and rented the house out to Doc and Sprocket from Fraggle Rock. Later, the Sesame Street crew shows up and Miss Piggy races a snowstorm to make it back in time from her latest photo shoot.

There is so much good stuff in this special - Fozzie doing a comedy act with a talking snowman. A love triangle between Gonzo, Camilla the chicken, and the Christmas turkey. The cast of Sesame Street acting out "Twas the Night Before Christmas". Mindblowing Muppet crossovers. Singalongs galore, of course. And a heartbreaking final cameo by Henson, who is shown washing dishes in the kitchen after Christmas dinner. Looking out at the assembled Muppets singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" he remarks, "I like it when they have a good time."

It's hilarious, it's joyous, it's fun, and to me, it was the last true Muppet movie. Oh and guess what - it's available in its entirety on YouTube, complete with all the original commercials! So now when we hang out in real life we can totally talk about it.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

I don't know why I did it to myself. Maybe it's the fact that there aren't a lot of Christmas options on Netflix that don't feature talking animals. Maybe it's my lingering affection for Home Improvement star Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Maybe I just hate myself that much. Well for whatever reason, I recently sat down and watched I'll Be Home for Christmas, the live action Disney "comedy" best known for being the last time anyone has ever seen JTT alive.

Now, I have an unusually high tolerance for Christmas-themed crap, as shown by my love of Jingle All the Way and the fact that I've sat through The Star Wars Holiday Special more than once. But I'll Be Home for Christmas is a horrible, horrible abomination, and I want to round up every copy in existence and have them buried in the desert like the E.T. Atari game.

In the "film", Jonathan Taylor Thomas plays a wisecracking college student who is sort of like the non-thinking man's Parker Lewis. When he fails to deliver on his promise to help a group of jocks ace an exam, he's left in the desert dressed in a Santa suit on the day he's supposed to accompany his girlfriend (Jessica Biel) home for the holidays. What follows is a series of "hilarious" misadventures as JTT hoofs it cross country with a series of painfully unfunny companions such as a carload of flatulant old ladies, a simple-minded thief, a lovestruck goober of a state trooper, his college nemesis (the only character more loathsome than his), and a group of marathon-running Santas. In the end JTT predictably wins back the girl and makes it home for Christmas, even though his smarmy prick of a character hardly deserves it.

What makes this unfunny shitshow even worse are the shoehorned-in sentimental moments meant to make you feel like JTT's character (I want to say "Jack"?) is anything more than a soulless asshole. He makes a detour to a children's hospital, where a young wide-eyed Hispanic stereotype reminds him that Christmas is about family. He returns the money he wins in the Santa marathon after finding out the man he beat was going to use it to buy turkeys for the poor. Finally, he refuses the vintage Porsche his dad (Gary Cole) used as a bribe to get him to come home. These incidents are supposed to show some sort of character development, but I was too busy waiting for Jack to be killed in a grizzly Christmas-related accident to notice any.

The only good thing about this movie is that it is an excellent time capsule of 1998, if you ever needed one. The fashions, the frosted tips, the cultural references, and especially the music. References are made to Fiona Apple, Aaliyah, Smashmouth, and more. At one point, Jessica Biel sings along to Aqua's "Doctor Jones" and her future husband is featured in "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays", NSync's Christmas song which plays during the credits.

But if you're not doing some sort of anthropological study on the year 1998, morbidly curious about the last days of Jonathan Taylor Thomas, or physically confined to a couch in front of a TV playing ABC Family, there is absolutely no reason to ever subject yourself to this film. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to watch Scrooged ten times in a row to get this awful taste out of my mouth.

Novelty Songs

Hey everybody, it's Christmas time again! If you're like me, you're one of those happily deranged people who looks forward to the time of year where you can revel in nonstop Christmas music - and holy crap, there sure is a lot of it. I've covered a lot of specific songs in this blog, and have many more in store, but I figured I'd kick off the Cavalcade this year with a look at a special (and oft maligned) subgenre, the novelty song.

A novelty song is, according to Wikipedia, a "comical or nonsensical song, performed principally for its comical effect". And yes, while these songs often attempt to be "comical", I'd add some other specifications to the description. They are usually performed by artists who are never heard from again (like, say, Buckner & Garcia), and they are just plain weird and unique - one might even go so far as to call them "novel". As in, "It certainly is novel to write a song about a girl asking for a giant, deadly water mammal for Christmas". Speaking of which, let's get to our first entry.

"I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" is probably the Christmas novelty song that I hate the least, if only because it's so goddamn adorable. It was recorded by 10-year-old Gayla Peevey from Ponca City, Oklahoma in 1953. The unexpected hit shot up to number 24 on the Billboard charts and earned Peevy the ultimate symbol of 50s showbiz success - an appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. A local campaign raised $4000 for the purchase of a baby hippo - mostly in dimes and nickles sent in by children - which was presented to the Oklahoma City Zoo on Christmas Eve. Matilda the hippo lived to the ripe old age (for a hippo) of 48.

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" is one of the most polarizing Christmas novelty songs ever, in that there are actually some people who legitimately like it. In fact, a 2007 study found that the song ranked high among both the most "liked" and "disliked" Christmas songs. It certainly is dark - an elderly relative getting drunk and trampled to death isn't the usual stuff of holiday music - but that's not enough to keep it from being really repetitive and annoying. Then again, making repetitive and annoying music has been a pretty solid business plan since the dawn of time.

Not many people know this, but actor Joe Pesci started his career singing with vocal groups in the 60s, eventually releasing an album called Little Joe Sure Can Sing! in 1968. I guess somewhere along the line he got nostalgic for those simpler times, or maybe some brilliant producer or agent wanted to capitalize on the success of My Cousin Vinny, because in 1998 he released Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You. A baffling combination of standards and profanity-laced "funny" songs highlighting his tough guy persona, it just so happens to contain a Christmas song that oddly never became a holiday classic.

And finally, here's the classic tale of Santa Claus' friendly donkey pal, Dominick. This is probably the most beloved Christmas novelty song that everyone says they hate. Like most novelty songs, it sure is catchy - the "hee-haw, hee-haw" chorus sees to that - and it's so dumb it's hard not to love. The song, recorded by singer Lou Monte in 1960, tells of a beloved toy-delivering donkey that "climbs the hills of Italy". Donkeys are a common sight in southern Italy, due to their ability to climb rugged terrain. The song is more popular in New York than in any other state, perhaps due to the state's high Italian-American population or its shout out to "Brook-a-lyn".

The Good Times Gang Saves Christmas

A little less than a month ago, I kicked off this year's Cavalcade early because I desperately needed the Christmas spirit to make up for what was, quite frankly, a terrible, terrible year. And wouldn't you know it - Christmas has delivered yet again. I've spent the last few weeks celebrating with old friends and new, reconnecting with family members, and of course, sharing my love of holiday-related pop culture with the Internets.

For this year's final entry, I'm choosing a short movie I made with my sister and my girlfriend at the time way back in the winter of 2008. The three of us had been sitting around one night talking about Christmas and our desire to work on some sort of creative project when we came up with the plot for the Ultimate Christmas Movie. The only problem was that it was almost Christmas, and we'd have to film the whole thing in one day. Undaunted, the girls called everyone we knew who might want to act in the film while I banged out a script. By the end of the night we had a script, but no cast. It turns out I'd have to play all six male

characters (which, in the long run, made the shoot less complicated and the movie even funnier).

The story revolves around a group of mystery-solving teen do-gooders known as the Good Times Gang, who must step in to save Christmas when a local toy shop is threatened by the construction of a nearby big box superstore - all the while being picked off one by one by a mysterious serial killer. The movie includes homages to Home Alone, A Christmas Carol, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Christmas-themed horror movies, and more, and has a soundtrack featuring pretty much all of my favorite holiday tunes. It clocks in at a little over sixteen minutes and yes, it was written, shot, and edited over the course of three days.

Our day of shooting was pretty brutal, what with it being freezing effing cold out and me having to constantly apply (and scrub off) various Sharpie marker moustaches. But we got through it - zipping all over my hometown of Ramsey, NJ and filming guerilla-style at a shopping center, the town library, and the alley behind the Walgreens. And in the end, it turned out to be a project I am extremely proud of - not just because it was a true Christmas Miracle how well it all turned out, but because it is sort of the best love letter to the holiday season I could have written and I got to make it with two great people.

You can probably only watch the whole thing if you're Facebook friends with me - the use of tons of copywritten Christmas songs means it never stays on YouTube for very long - but those lucky ones who not only read this blog but also get to be friends with me IRL can check it out (if you haven't already). Or, if you're not some Nigerian scam artist or Eastern European smut peddler, feel free to friend me.

Merry Christmas, everybody! And thanks for reading. Hope you and yours have a great one.

David Letterman

Long before he was the Elder Statesman of Late Night Television, David Letterman was bringing a very new and unique version of comedy to television - a bizarre, absurdist vibe that flew in the face of classic late night conventions. He was the bridge between the traditional style of Johnny Carson and modern-day comedy anarchists like Conan O'Brian and Jimmy Fallon. His persona, influenced deeply by writers like Merrill Markoe and Chris Elliot, has mellowed with age, but back in the 80s he was like nothing else on television. And he also did some pretty awesome Christmas-related stuff.

Before he was America's crazy Republican uncle who you hope doesn't start to talk politics at Thanksgiving dinner, Ted Nugent was the Motor City Madman. Here he is doing a duet of "The Christmas Song" with Dave back in the late 80's - I could have gone with a better quality clip, but this one includes a bit at the end with a cigar-chomping Dave riding with some Christmas carolers in a sleigh driven by 1987 Indy 500 winner Bobby Rayhal.


In December of 1986, Darlene Love appeared on Late Night to perform her classic "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" with Paul Schafer and The World's Most Dangerous Band. Dave was so impressed that he invited her back to do the song again next year, and every year since that for the past 27 years. Below is footage of her original '86 performance, as well as a mashup of all of her performances from Dave's Late Show days ('93-present).




Perhaps Letterman and company's most memorable Christmas invention was 1984's "Christmas with the Lettermans", in which Dave and his fake family welcome Pat Boone, the Doodletown Pipers, and monologist and "standup tragedy" performer Brother Theodore to their annual holiday special. Along the way, Dave's youngest son is sent on a tragic journey through the streets of New York City to fetch a tree, we learn that, sadly, Dave's "wife" Audrey Daniels-Letterman, was not a regular on Mission: Impossible, and the whole gang treats us to a rendition of the incredibly dumb "It Smells Like Christmas".

Love Actually

This time last year - almost to the day - I was on a flight to Aruba to attend a "destination wedding" with my girlfriend. Sounds awesome, right? Unfortunately, our relationship had been over since about a week after we bought the plane tickets months earlier. The only thing worse than the prospect of spending an awkward week in paradise with a girl for whom I felt nothing was the in-flight movie: New Year's Eve. The film, much like its predecessor Valentine's Day, was full of forced, pandering sentimentality and unnecessarily intertwining storylines. I love great movies, and I love shitty movies, but there are few things I hate as much as I hate mediocre movies. And the mediocrity of New Year's Eve, with its blandly attractive cast and cringe-worthy attempts at humor, was off the charts. Of course, movies like this would not have existed if it wasn't for the granddaddy of them all - 2003's Love Actually.

So obviously I had some reservations when I finally decided to sit down and watch Love Actually last night. But I had to watch it - it is beloved by many people whose opinions I respect, and widely recognized as a very Christmas-y movie. Plus it's kind of an iconic modern romantic comedy, and the next time it came up in conversation I would be able to condescendingly dismiss it using unassailable facts and logic. The opening didn't do much to change my preconceived notions - people hugging in an airport terminal, cheesy music and captions, Hugh Grant's lame-ass monologue (complete with a 9/11 reference and titular line). I had just settled my brains for a long winter's snark when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but the legendary Bill Nighy channeling Keith Richards. And that's when everything started to change.

Now I'm not going to say that Love Actually is a great movie. It it is, unsurprisingly, full of pandering sentimentality, worn out cliches, and genuinely eyeroll-inducing moments. You can pretty much guess how every character's story is going to end up within five minutes of meeting them. And there are too many goddamn characters, causing many plotlines to be poorly resolved or totally unnecessary. But like many other films or TV shows, the material is elevated by its stellar cast. There's a reason why LA's American ripoffs pale in comparison - America's sweethearts are Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Jon Bon Jovi, and Katherine Heigl, while Britain's sweethearts are Alan Rickman, Martin Freeman, Emma Thompson, and Hugh Grant (say what you will about the guy, he is never not the most charming dude on screen).

And let's face it, there are some pretty fantastic moments in this film if you just start to enjoy it for what it is. The Prime Minister getting revenge on the sleazy US President (played by Billy Bob Thornton?!) Awesome. Colin Firth learning Portuguese and then running off to propose to the love of his life? Awesome. Alan Rickman saying just about anything? Awesome. The weird looking dude who gets to bang every chick in Wisconsin, including Betty Draper? Well actually, I don't know how I feel about that one. As cheesy as it was, a lot of the romantic stuff in the movie was great, and there were plenty of lines that were actually, shockingly funny. Not to mention pretty much every single aspect of the movie revolves around Christmas, which is obviously a big plus in my book.

I can't believe I'm actually writing this, but Love Actually is just one big celebration of Love and Christmas - just as long as you realize that you're watching a silly romantic comedy. Apparently there is this big buzzkill article on Jezebel about how terrible it is - probably calling it an insidiously misogynist tool of the rape culture Patriarchy or some such - but I really don't want to read it because sometimes it's okay to just shut off your brain and watch something nice with a big, dumb smile on your face. Especially if it's Christmastime.

A Very Sunny Christmas

"A Very Sunny Christmas" is yet another example of something that combines one of my favorite things with Christmas - in this case, the terrible adventures of the awful employees of Paddy's Pub. It would be very easy for the Always Sunny gang to turn the expectations of a Christmas special on its head and make something cynical, where the conclusion is that Christmas is for suckers. But against all odds, "A Very Sunny Christmas" ends up being a surprisingly heartwarming episode of a show about five narcissistic, amoral monsters.

Like most "Always Sunny" episodes, this one consists of two different stories. Dennis and Dee, fed up with Frank's yearly tradition of buying their favorite Christmas presents for himself, decide to engage in a typically disastrous "Christmas Carol"-type scheme to show him the error of his ways (with the help of The Big Lebowski and Santa Claus: The Movie's David Huddleston). On the other side of town, Charlie and Mac desperately try to rekindle their Christmas spirit after making some horrifying realizations about their childhoods (Mac's parents were burglars, and Charlie's mom had sex with a neverending string of Santa Clauses on Christmas Day). Both tales feature some of the most hilariously disturbing scenes in Sunny history, including a sweaty, naked Danny Devito emerging from inside a leather couch and Charlie tearing out a mall Santa's throat with his teeth (not to mention a claymation Rudolph homage in which Frank is graphically eviscerated by the rest of the Gang).

Despite the gleefully nihilistic actions of the Paddy's gang, "A Very Sunny Christmas" manages to have the most (relatively) uplifting ending in the show's run. In a last-ditch attempt to harness the Christmas spirit, Charlie, Mac, Dee, and Dennis join forces to scream carols through the Philly streets (much to the chagrin of bottle-throwing locals). Frank has a rare moment of humanity and decides to give everyone what they want most for Christmas - until they're robbed by Huddleston. ("The bums will always lose!") In the face of a seemingly neverending string of assaults on their holiday enthusiasm, however, the Gang muddles through somehow and turns to the simple pleasures of Charlie and Mac's favorite childhood activity - throwing rocks at trains.

It certainly says something that only Christmas could bring out the sympathetic sides of the Paddy's gang, and this episode provides rare glimpses into their respective pasts which show that maybe, just maybe, they all would have turned out like decent human beings if they hadn't been irreparably messed up somewhere along the way. And the ending - with a young Mac throwing his arm around young Charlie's shoulders and walking home after a long day's train-pelting - is shockingly unironic and sentimental. "Always Sunny" is the last show you'd expect to leave you with that warm, fuzzy feeling, but it did happen once. And it'll probably never happen again.

Funky, Funky Christmas

If you were a kid growing up in the late 80s/early 90s, you were intimately familiar with the New Kids on the Block whether you wanted to be or not. If you were a girl, chances are you were owned mountains of their ubiquitous memoribilia which included the usual t-shirts, buttons, and posters but also dolls, trading cards, and board games. They were a pop culture phenomenon, and like many other pop culture phenomenons before and after them, they spawned a Christmas album.

"Merry, Merry Christmas" was the third album released by the Boston fivesome, and came at the peak of their career. Aside from many traditional covers, the album contains several original songs, including the top ten single "This One's for the Children". That's not the song we're going to talk about, though. My favorite ("favorite") song off of NKOTB's Christmas record is the supremely weird "Funky, Funky Christmas".

The New Kids always liked to portray themselves as being from the "street", particularly their resident Bad Boy Donnie Wahlberg. This song (not coincidentally co-written by Donnie) is about as "street" as they get, what with it consisting mostly of the Kids attempting to "rap". It begins with an elf named "Little Train" lamenting to Santa that Christmas is "boring" and then rejoicing that the New Kids on the Block have shown up to provide a "funky" Christmas. The Kids proceed to bust impossibly lame rhymes about the awesomeness of Christmas, punctuated by the impossibly lame "Funky, Funky Christmas" chorus.

One recurring theme of the New Kids was them trying to convince the world that they actually had talent, usually by insisting they did their own choreography or pretending to play instruments onstage. In this song, Santa claims "I bet you never knew" that Donnie played percussion, leading to a drum solo that I'm sure was totally performed by Mr. Wahlberg. "MC Santa" then wraps up the song with a list of shout outs to people like the "Northside Posse", the "Def Duo", and "Lou" - presumably infamous producer Lou Pearlman, who went on to form the Backstreet Boys and N*Sync using the exact same formula as the New Kids.



This song sucks. It's horrible. It's probably the worst Christmas song I can think of, and I know pretty much every one. But with the ultra white New Kids trying to be "street" and Christmas-y at the same time, it's also easily the most hilarious. (Sorry, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"!)

The Office: Christmas Party

Tonight is the night of my office Christmas party, so I figure there's no better time to discuss one of my favorite episodes of what is probably my favorite show of all time. The second season of the American version of The Office is widely considered to be its best, when the show most skillfully combined incredibly well-written humor with genuine emotional moments. Long before it became overstuffed with third-string characters and endless subplots, the show mostly concerned itself with the relationship between Jim and Pam (who wouldn't truly get together for another season and a half) and the clueless insensitivity of Michael Scott. And not only is this episode solid on its own merits, it deals with both of these subjects in a perfect way.

"Christmas Party" revolves around the office's annual Secret Santa gift swap, and for the first time ever Jim has gotten his beloved Pam's name in the drawing. He gives her a super thoughtful gift - a tea pot, since she loves tea - and fills it with inside jokes and reminders of great times they've spent together. The icing on the cake is a card which Jim cryptically explains by saying, "Christmas is the time to tell people how you really feel." On the Michael front, the self-proclaimed "World's Best Boss" is planning on impressing Ryan the temp (with whom he shares a very one-sided, very homoerotic relationship) with a brand new video iPod - a gift which clearly exceeds the recommended $20 limit. When Michael receives Phyllis' oven mitt as his gift, he flies into a childish rage and much to his employees' dismay switches the format to "Yankee Swap" - something Dwight accurately describes as "Machiavelli meets... Christmas."
Eventually Michael realizes the error of his ways - it turns out the only thing he likes more than proper recognition is an awesome Christmas party. To make up for his tantrum he purchases a shitload of vodka, everyone gets wasted, and the gang has a great time. The night ends with refrigeration magnate Bob Vance taking them all out to Poor Richard's for an afterparty, but not before a spirited snowball fight in the Dunder Mifflin parking lot. Oh and Pam ends up with the tea pot, but minus the card. Michael sums it up in typical fashion:

"Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time."

Michael Scott may be an asshole most of the time, but you really can't argue with that. In fact, as the show went on and the writers were forced to make him more sympathetic, his dickishness was replaced with more of a naive lack of self-awareness, and a childlike need to be liked and surrounded with people who cared about him. He and Christmas are a perfect fit - it's no wonder it's his favorite holiday.

The Rockefeller Center Tree

There are few more festive places to be in New York City this time of year than Rockefeller Center. Between the trumpeting angels, the smell of roasting chestnuts in the air, and the skating rink, it's all but impossible not to get wrapped up in the holiday spirit while you're there - it is a testament to its power that Rockefeller Center at Christmastime is one of the few places where you are more likely to react to tourists with a friendly smile than immediate murderous rage. But the real reason everyone's there is obviously the world famous tree that overlooks the rink.

As a kid growing up in North Jersey in the 80s and 90s, I was as enthralled with New York City as my mother was petrified of it. We only visited once a year - to see the tree - and it was a quick walk from the parking garage to Rockefeller Plaza and back, with Mom insisting that I not make eye contact with anyone along the way for fear of setting off some sort of junkie gang attack. Back then the combination of the crowds and my small stature ensured that my view consisted mostly of a whole bunch of acid-washed jeans,
but now that I'm tall enough to appreciate it, I try to make it there at least once a year.

The first Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center was a modest 20-footer put up by workers during 30 Rock's construction and decorated with strings of cranberries, paper garlands, and tin cans. The first official tree lighting was in 1933, and NBC Radio breathlessly described the 50 foot tree to a nation of listeners back when people could still use their imaginations. The ceremony was first televised in 1951 and hosted by the "first lady of radio", Kate Smith. Since then it has been hosted by stars such as Barbara Walters, Bob Hope, Lilly Tomlin, and Liza Minnelli. Nowadays the duties usually fall to the cast of NBC's Today Show.

The average Rockefeller tree is around 75 feet tall and is decorated with tens of thousands of lights. For the past ten years it has been topped with the Swarovski Star, which contains 25,000 crystal panels and weighs 550 pounds. The largest ever tree was a 100-foot Norway spruce which was erected in 1999.

This year's tree lighting ceremony, which is airing tonight, features musical performances by America's slutty aunt Mariah Carey, 90s R&B stars with nothing better to do Toni Braxton, Mary J. Blige, Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds, and Ashanti, Kelly "The Only Famous American Idol" Clarkson, the Goo Goo Dolls for some reason, and this year's model of the Disney Actoteensingatron 3000™, Ariana Grande. And it's starting right now so I'd better wrap this thing up!

Santa's Slay

There have been a lot of horror-themed Christmas movies made over the years, but it's very hard to find one in which Santa Claus himself is the killer. Sure, there are plenty of flicks where the villain is a guy dressed in a Santa outfit, which I guess is kind of cool, but for the most part the killings are performed by a mutant snowman, a deranged chef, or just a plain ol' serial killer. Call me crazy, but all I wanted was a movie where Santa Claus himself snapped and started murdering people - and finally my prayers were answered with the 2005 film Santa's Slay.

The movie stars WCW wrestler Bill Goldberg as Santa, who apparently is a demon who lost a bet with an angel and must spend eternity delivering toys to children all over the world. Once the bet is off, however, he decides to take out his pent-up hostility on the residents of a charming Midwestern town. The movie also features SCTV alum Dave Thomas as the mayor, veteran character actor Saul Rubinek as "Mr. Green", and 70's television staple Robert Culp as "Grandpa". The only problem? It sucks. How could you make a movie about a bloodthirsty Santa Claus played by a former wrestler suck? It could be that it was written and directed by David Steiman, whose main credit up until that point was assistant to Bret Rattner. But for whatever reason, other than a few random Santa Claus murders, Santa's Slay is a major disappointment.

The one thing that almost saves the movie, though, is its opening scene. For some reason, Steiman had access to the most random assortment collection of actors ever, including James Caan, Fran Dresher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart. In their all-too-brief scene, they play a family of awful people whose Christmas dinner is interrupted when Santa comes down the chimney. Santa proceeds to gleefully murder the entire clan, including the dog. It's a fantastic, jaw-dropping scene and probably the only part of Santa's Slay you really need to see. When it comes to Christmas movies about murderous monsters, you should probably stick to Gremlins.

Ernest Saves Christmas

There was a time in the 1980s when you could not escape the media empire of Ernest P. Worrell. Having risen from the obscurity of selling milk, cars, and aluminum siding on the Kentucky/Oklahoma airwaves, actor Jim Varney's dimwitted yet purehearted creation burst into the national spotlight with 1987's instant classic Ernest Goes to Camp, followed by the Saturday morning series Hey Vern, It's Ernest! Eventually the fickle American viewing public turned its back on Ernest as he continued to churn out obscure titles like Ernest Goes to School, Ernest Rides Again, and Ernest Goes to Africa. Before his star faded, however, he had one last hurrah with 1988's Ernest Saves Christmas.

In every Ernest movie (and this is an educated guess, since I've only seen 3 of the 9), Ernest has a job that he's terrible at. In Ernest Saves Christmas, he's a shitty cab driver who ends up in possession of both Santa's magic sack and a rebellious teen runaway named Harmony. Santa's in town to pick a successor, and his eye is on kindly local kids' show host Joe Carruthers. Unfortunately, Joe is also being courted by a sleazy Hollywood agent who wants him to star in a very kid-unfriendly horror movie called "Santa's Slay". Throughout the movie, Ernest and Harmony scramble to bust Santa out of jail, convince Joe to take the job, and get the reindeer and sled in the air on time - not to mention use Christmas Magic to make it snow in Orlando.

The movie features the usual callbacks to Ernest mythology, including the wacky duo of "Chuck & Bobby" and a visit to the perpetually put-upon "Vern". As far as Ernest goes, it's kind of ironic that an actor so adept at playing a wide array of characters managed to get typecast as one guy for the majority of his career, especially one whose schtick gets old really quick. The one saving grace of Ernest, though, is his childlike innocence and irrepressible enthusiasm - qualities that make him the perfect choice to save Christmas, a summer camp, or, presumably, Africa.

A Very Special Christmas

The "Very Special Christmas" album series began in 1987 when superproducer Jimmy Iovine decided to honor the memory of his father by getting his famous musician friends together to record original or cover versions of Christmas songs for charity. The albums raise money for the Special Olympics and famously feature cover art by Keith Haring. Last year marked the 25th anniversary of the series, which was celebrated with an album featuring Train, Amy Grant, Jordin Sparks, and Jason Mraz.

"A Very Special Christmas" wasn't always mind-bendingly awful, though. Yes, forgettable tracks like Chris Cornell's "Ave Maria", Wyclef Jean's "Little Drummer Boy/Hot Hot Hot" medley, and Kellie Pickler's "Santa Baby" have dominated the series over its 8-album run, but if you have a holiday favorite that was recorded after 1968, it was probably from one of these records. Here are some of my favorites:

One might say that the "A Very Special Christmas", like M. Night Shamylan, peaked right out of the gate. And one would probably be right. The first album is chock full of classics like Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis", the song that is perhaps most commonly associated with the series. Among other memorable phrases, it includes "the hawk is out", which apparently is a Chicago slang term for "it is uncomfortably windy and cold". Check out the video, which has an intro featuring a classic Simon game and the creepiest goddamn elf you'll ever see.

Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen just seems like a great guy to party with. And what better time to party than Christmas? I don't know about you, but his songs (at least the more upbeat ones) are filled with an infectious joy that translates perfectly to the holiday season. More people are familiar with his ass-kicking version of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" (which I will almost certainly write about later), but his cover of the R&B classic "Merry Christmas Baby" is no slouch either. Here's a video of him performing the song during a 2002 appearance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien with E Street drummer Max Weinberg, Conan (kind of) on guitar, and the late, great Clarence "Big Man" Clemons (on the bells?).

Christmas is awesome. Tom Petty is awesome. Therefore, using some sort of equation, a Tom Petty Christmas song must be doubly awesome. And yes, it looks like the math checks out. I wonder if Tom ever got that Chuck Berry songbook he wanted? This song was the opening track on "A Very Special Christmas 2", and yeah, it was kind of all downhill from there (for the series, not Tom Petty. Although "The Last DJ" was pretty lame).

We Need A Little Christmas

For the longest time, I've been adamant that the Christmas season does NOT officially begin until the day after Thanksgiving. Not only was that just the way it worked in my house, but I felt that expanding the season any further would somehow dilute its potency. This year, as the Christmas advertisements and decorations began popping up around Halloween time, I shook my head in disbelief. No matter what, I was going to hold out until the proper date. Christmas demanded it.

This year, though, things are different. To say I've had a rough year would be a ridiculous understatement, and the advent of cold weather and fewer hours of sunlight have come at the worst possible time. I found myself having to gather up all my effort simply to go through the motions, and I was wondering when something, anything, would come along to snap me out of it. Then, last Thursday, as I looked out the windows of my office towards the Empire State Building, I got a sign.

It was November 12th, and the building was lit up with its brand new awesome LED lights in red and green (for the opening of the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, which I was unaware of at the time). It was then and there that I decided that my annual immersion into All Things Christmas would begin immediately. Because if there was one thing that would break me out of this funk, it was Christmas. And if I was going to make that happen, I had to get started early.

So here we are, kicking off what is sure to be the best Cavalcade yet with a very appropriate song, "We Need a Little Christmas". The song is from Mame, the 1966 Broadway musical which was based on the 1958 film Auntie Mame, which was based on the 1956 play Auntie Mame, which was based on the 1955 novel Auntie Mame. It was originally sung by Ms. Angela Lansbury, who most people will recognize as Jessica Fletcher from TV's Murder She Wrote, but who also has an extensive background in musical theater with lead roles throughout the 60s and 70s in shows like Gypsy, The King and I, and Sweeney Todd. Of course, her musical background will come as no surprise to fans of 1971's Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Mame tells the all-too-relatable story of a bohemian free spirit who tries to live life to the fullest, but is eventually brought down to earth when faced with real world responsibilities and adversities (in Auntie Mame's case, having to adopt her nephew and losing her fortune in the 1929 stock market crash). When the latter happens, however, the titular Auntie puts her philosophy into practice ("Life is a banquet, and most poor sons-of-bitches are starving to death") and seeks to obliterate everyone's post-crash bummer with a full scale Christmas assault.

Auntie Mame has come a ways from her days as a carefree bohemian, however, as is evident in this excerpt from the song:

For I've grown a little leaner,
Grown a little colder,
Grown a little sadder,
Grown a little older,
And I need a little angel
Sitting on my shoulder,
Need a little Christmas now.

As much as things might suck for Mame and her crew, she's not going to sit around and mope about it. Instead, she decides to power through it with the help of the overwhelming magical power of Christmas. And if a fictional character can do it, so can I! (I've used the same logic when I've needed to fire torpedoes into a space station's exhaust duct, dispose of a magical ring in a volcano, and defeat the Russian national boxing champion.) Merry Christmas everybody - let's do it up right.