Thank God It's Christmas

It’s just good business sense for a musician to release a Christmas album. You see, careers come and go, but Christmas is forever. Long after people have forgotten “Emotions”, “Dreamlover”, and “Fantasy”, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” will still be a beloved holiday classic. However while many artists, both established (Bruce Springsteen, Paul McCartney) and one-hit wonders (Billy Squier, Wizzard), have created immortal Christmas tracks, some huge stars miss the mark for some reason. Britney Spears, for example, surely will never understand why her “My Only Wish This Year” didn’t become a perennial favorite. Another example of this is Queen, who in 1984 recorded their own forgotten Christmas tune, “Thank God it’s Christmas”.

The song is surprisingly minimalist for a band known for their bombast and theatricality. Much of it is simply Freddy Mercury’s voice accompanied by a synth drum loop and a soft organ playing in the background, with the occasional addition of a subtle guitar or sleigh bell accompaniment. Mercury sings passionately of Christmas being a welcome respite from the painful year he’s had, and that pain and optimism is reflected perfectly in his famously emotive voice. Even without the benefit of operatic harmonies and Brian May’s epic guitar, it manages to be a pretty epic song.

“Thank God it’s Christmas” was never included on a studio album until over a decade after its release as a single, at which point it was crammed into a greatest hits collection. It doesn’t get much (if any) airplay, so most people don’t even know it exists. But do yourself a favor and dig up this forgotten track this holiday season – only Freddy Mercury could pull off something that is so powerfully melancholy and hopeful in equal measures. Well okay, maybe also Stevie Wonder.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Anyone who knows me knows that I love karaoke. And when Christmas time comes around, there's one song that I have to sing simply because I get to channel, in some small way, the infectious joy of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. There's no feeling quite like it, and it's the one holiday tune that is guaranteed to win over a crowd of even the most cynical hipsters. That song, of course, is Bruce and the boys' legendary version of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town".

The famous version that we all know and love was recorded on December 14th, 1975 at a concert in Long Island, and was the B-side to "My Hometown". The song was so popular that it became a staple of Bruce's live shows during the Christmas season - and sometimes the off-season, such as a memorable 2009 performance at Bonnaroo. Those who have seen the whole production with their own eyes will tell you of the magical moment when saxophonist Clarence "Big Man" Clemons would step out dressed as Santa as Christmas lights began to light up all over the amps. Clemons also sang backup and provided the song with one hell of a sax solo until his death in 2011.

The song is known for Bruce's intro, in which he famously describes the "wind whippin' down the boardwalk" and asks the crowd if they've been good this year ("Not many!" he replies). In this 1978 version, he prefaces the song with an awesome, extended Jersey Shore fairy tale. Enjoy!

Novelty Songs

Hey everybody, it's Christmas time again! If you're like me, you're one of those happily deranged people who looks forward to the time of year where you can revel in nonstop Christmas music - and holy crap, there sure is a lot of it. I've covered a lot of specific songs in this blog, and have many more in store, but I figured I'd kick off the Cavalcade this year with a look at a special (and oft maligned) subgenre, the novelty song.

A novelty song is, according to Wikipedia, a "comical or nonsensical song, performed principally for its comical effect". And yes, while these songs often attempt to be "comical", I'd add some other specifications to the description. They are usually performed by artists who are never heard from again (like, say, Buckner & Garcia), and they are just plain weird and unique - one might even go so far as to call them "novel". As in, "It certainly is novel to write a song about a girl asking for a giant, deadly water mammal for Christmas". Speaking of which, let's get to our first entry.

"I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" is probably the Christmas novelty song that I hate the least, if only because it's so goddamn adorable. It was recorded by 10-year-old Gayla Peevey from Ponca City, Oklahoma in 1953. The unexpected hit shot up to number 24 on the Billboard charts and earned Peevy the ultimate symbol of 50s showbiz success - an appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. A local campaign raised $4000 for the purchase of a baby hippo - mostly in dimes and nickles sent in by children - which was presented to the Oklahoma City Zoo on Christmas Eve. Matilda the hippo lived to the ripe old age (for a hippo) of 48.

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" is one of the most polarizing Christmas novelty songs ever, in that there are actually some people who legitimately like it. In fact, a 2007 study found that the song ranked high among both the most "liked" and "disliked" Christmas songs. It certainly is dark - an elderly relative getting drunk and trampled to death isn't the usual stuff of holiday music - but that's not enough to keep it from being really repetitive and annoying. Then again, making repetitive and annoying music has been a pretty solid business plan since the dawn of time.

Not many people know this, but actor Joe Pesci started his career singing with vocal groups in the 60s, eventually releasing an album called Little Joe Sure Can Sing! in 1968. I guess somewhere along the line he got nostalgic for those simpler times, or maybe some brilliant producer or agent wanted to capitalize on the success of My Cousin Vinny, because in 1998 he released Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You. A baffling combination of standards and profanity-laced "funny" songs highlighting his tough guy persona, it just so happens to contain a Christmas song that oddly never became a holiday classic.

And finally, here's the classic tale of Santa Claus' friendly donkey pal, Dominick. This is probably the most beloved Christmas novelty song that everyone says they hate. Like most novelty songs, it sure is catchy - the "hee-haw, hee-haw" chorus sees to that - and it's so dumb it's hard not to love. The song, recorded by singer Lou Monte in 1960, tells of a beloved toy-delivering donkey that "climbs the hills of Italy". Donkeys are a common sight in southern Italy, due to their ability to climb rugged terrain. The song is more popular in New York than in any other state, perhaps due to the state's high Italian-American population or its shout out to "Brook-a-lyn".

Funky, Funky Christmas

If you were a kid growing up in the late 80s/early 90s, you were intimately familiar with the New Kids on the Block whether you wanted to be or not. If you were a girl, chances are you were owned mountains of their ubiquitous memoribilia which included the usual t-shirts, buttons, and posters but also dolls, trading cards, and board games. They were a pop culture phenomenon, and like many other pop culture phenomenons before and after them, they spawned a Christmas album.

"Merry, Merry Christmas" was the third album released by the Boston fivesome, and came at the peak of their career. Aside from many traditional covers, the album contains several original songs, including the top ten single "This One's for the Children". That's not the song we're going to talk about, though. My favorite ("favorite") song off of NKOTB's Christmas record is the supremely weird "Funky, Funky Christmas".

The New Kids always liked to portray themselves as being from the "street", particularly their resident Bad Boy Donnie Wahlberg. This song (not coincidentally co-written by Donnie) is about as "street" as they get, what with it consisting mostly of the Kids attempting to "rap". It begins with an elf named "Little Train" lamenting to Santa that Christmas is "boring" and then rejoicing that the New Kids on the Block have shown up to provide a "funky" Christmas. The Kids proceed to bust impossibly lame rhymes about the awesomeness of Christmas, punctuated by the impossibly lame "Funky, Funky Christmas" chorus.

One recurring theme of the New Kids was them trying to convince the world that they actually had talent, usually by insisting they did their own choreography or pretending to play instruments onstage. In this song, Santa claims "I bet you never knew" that Donnie played percussion, leading to a drum solo that I'm sure was totally performed by Mr. Wahlberg. "MC Santa" then wraps up the song with a list of shout outs to people like the "Northside Posse", the "Def Duo", and "Lou" - presumably infamous producer Lou Pearlman, who went on to form the Backstreet Boys and N*Sync using the exact same formula as the New Kids.



This song sucks. It's horrible. It's probably the worst Christmas song I can think of, and I know pretty much every one. But with the ultra white New Kids trying to be "street" and Christmas-y at the same time, it's also easily the most hilarious. (Sorry, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"!)

A Very Special Christmas

The "Very Special Christmas" album series began in 1987 when superproducer Jimmy Iovine decided to honor the memory of his father by getting his famous musician friends together to record original or cover versions of Christmas songs for charity. The albums raise money for the Special Olympics and famously feature cover art by Keith Haring. Last year marked the 25th anniversary of the series, which was celebrated with an album featuring Train, Amy Grant, Jordin Sparks, and Jason Mraz.

"A Very Special Christmas" wasn't always mind-bendingly awful, though. Yes, forgettable tracks like Chris Cornell's "Ave Maria", Wyclef Jean's "Little Drummer Boy/Hot Hot Hot" medley, and Kellie Pickler's "Santa Baby" have dominated the series over its 8-album run, but if you have a holiday favorite that was recorded after 1968, it was probably from one of these records. Here are some of my favorites:

One might say that the "A Very Special Christmas", like M. Night Shamylan, peaked right out of the gate. And one would probably be right. The first album is chock full of classics like Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis", the song that is perhaps most commonly associated with the series. Among other memorable phrases, it includes "the hawk is out", which apparently is a Chicago slang term for "it is uncomfortably windy and cold". Check out the video, which has an intro featuring a classic Simon game and the creepiest goddamn elf you'll ever see.

Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen just seems like a great guy to party with. And what better time to party than Christmas? I don't know about you, but his songs (at least the more upbeat ones) are filled with an infectious joy that translates perfectly to the holiday season. More people are familiar with his ass-kicking version of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" (which I will almost certainly write about later), but his cover of the R&B classic "Merry Christmas Baby" is no slouch either. Here's a video of him performing the song during a 2002 appearance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien with E Street drummer Max Weinberg, Conan (kind of) on guitar, and the late, great Clarence "Big Man" Clemons (on the bells?).

Christmas is awesome. Tom Petty is awesome. Therefore, using some sort of equation, a Tom Petty Christmas song must be doubly awesome. And yes, it looks like the math checks out. I wonder if Tom ever got that Chuck Berry songbook he wanted? This song was the opening track on "A Very Special Christmas 2", and yeah, it was kind of all downhill from there (for the series, not Tom Petty. Although "The Last DJ" was pretty lame).

We Need A Little Christmas

For the longest time, I've been adamant that the Christmas season does NOT officially begin until the day after Thanksgiving. Not only was that just the way it worked in my house, but I felt that expanding the season any further would somehow dilute its potency. This year, as the Christmas advertisements and decorations began popping up around Halloween time, I shook my head in disbelief. No matter what, I was going to hold out until the proper date. Christmas demanded it.

This year, though, things are different. To say I've had a rough year would be a ridiculous understatement, and the advent of cold weather and fewer hours of sunlight have come at the worst possible time. I found myself having to gather up all my effort simply to go through the motions, and I was wondering when something, anything, would come along to snap me out of it. Then, last Thursday, as I looked out the windows of my office towards the Empire State Building, I got a sign.

It was November 12th, and the building was lit up with its brand new awesome LED lights in red and green (for the opening of the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, which I was unaware of at the time). It was then and there that I decided that my annual immersion into All Things Christmas would begin immediately. Because if there was one thing that would break me out of this funk, it was Christmas. And if I was going to make that happen, I had to get started early.

So here we are, kicking off what is sure to be the best Cavalcade yet with a very appropriate song, "We Need a Little Christmas". The song is from Mame, the 1966 Broadway musical which was based on the 1958 film Auntie Mame, which was based on the 1956 play Auntie Mame, which was based on the 1955 novel Auntie Mame. It was originally sung by Ms. Angela Lansbury, who most people will recognize as Jessica Fletcher from TV's Murder She Wrote, but who also has an extensive background in musical theater with lead roles throughout the 60s and 70s in shows like Gypsy, The King and I, and Sweeney Todd. Of course, her musical background will come as no surprise to fans of 1971's Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Mame tells the all-too-relatable story of a bohemian free spirit who tries to live life to the fullest, but is eventually brought down to earth when faced with real world responsibilities and adversities (in Auntie Mame's case, having to adopt her nephew and losing her fortune in the 1929 stock market crash). When the latter happens, however, the titular Auntie puts her philosophy into practice ("Life is a banquet, and most poor sons-of-bitches are starving to death") and seeks to obliterate everyone's post-crash bummer with a full scale Christmas assault.

Auntie Mame has come a ways from her days as a carefree bohemian, however, as is evident in this excerpt from the song:

For I've grown a little leaner,
Grown a little colder,
Grown a little sadder,
Grown a little older,
And I need a little angel
Sitting on my shoulder,
Need a little Christmas now.

As much as things might suck for Mame and her crew, she's not going to sit around and mope about it. Instead, she decides to power through it with the help of the overwhelming magical power of Christmas. And if a fictional character can do it, so can I! (I've used the same logic when I've needed to fire torpedoes into a space station's exhaust duct, dispose of a magical ring in a volcano, and defeat the Russian national boxing champion.) Merry Christmas everybody - let's do it up right.

New Year's Eve

Okay, so the Cavalcade isn't done just yet. New Year's Eve is technically part of the "holiday season", and no one takes down the Christmas decorations until after it's over. Unfortunately, I really can't muster anywhere near the same enthusiasm for the 31st that I can for the 25th. Maybe it's because it marks the end of the holidays and the beginning of Just Plain Winter. Maybe it's because I very rarely have someone to kiss at midnight. Maybe it's because I'm emotionally spent after blowing my Christmas wad. Whatever it is, it's pretty lame. But that's certainly not going to stop me from writing a blog post about it!

The one thing you can always count on on New Year's Eve is that everyone usually waits until the last minute to make plans, and as a result things end up being pretty half-assed. Gawker actually wrote a really great article about the five types of New Year's parties, most of which suck. Frank Loesser, who also wrote "Baby, it's Cold Outside", encourages us to avoid these problems by planning ahead (even if it's much too early in the game) in his song "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?" And no, I'm not going to post that Zooey Deschanel/Joseph Gordon Levitt version that's been all over Facebook. Even though yes, it is fucking adorable.



As you may already know, I love The OC. And one of the most memorable episodes from its stellar first season is when Ryan makes it to the New Year's party just in time to keep Marissa from having to kiss Oliver at midnight. Oliver, of course, was the creepy weirdo she met in her therapist's waiting room who she keeps insisting to Ryan is "just a friend" even though he is, as I mentioned, a creepy weirdo who (SPOILER ALERT) ends up in a scary situation later in the season involving pills and guns. But anyway, here is the scene in which Ryan (as usual) saves the day. SWOON.



John Roberts, famous for The Christmas Tree, recently brought back his New Jersey mom character for an epic New Year's video. In it, Mom prepares for a party, philosophizes about New Year's resolutions, and gets drunk with her best friend Fran (played by Blondie's Debbie Harry). Enjoy it, and have a great 2012, everybody!

The Christmas Song

The day after Christmas is really sad, especially for someone who loves it at much as I do.  You've got to pack up, go back to work, and quit all the holiday spirit cold turkey.  And just like Christmas eventually must end, so too must the Christmas Cavalcade.  I'd like to thank all of my readers - the blog really took off as the month went on and we've had visitors from as far away as Russia and Brazil! I sincerely hope that I was able to help make your holiday season a little more awesome.

We're gonna close things out with what I consider the ultimate Christmas song, and it is appropriately titled "The Christmas Song".  It was written in 1944 by Mel Tormé and Bob Wells, and later recorded by Nat King Cole.  It was Cole's idea to use a string section in his recording, and could you really imagine the song without one? The opening strains of "The Christmas Song" immediately fill me with every positive emotion associated with the season, and if they don't do the same to you, you must not have a soul.



So thanks again, everybody.  Have a wonderful Christmas and a kickass New Year's!  And stay tuned for my upcoming blog, "Larson's Cavalcade of Presidents' Day"!

Christmastime for the Jews

Robert Smeigel, the genius behind TV Funhouse, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, and uh, Don't Mess with the Zohan (okay, two out of three ain't bad), is responsible for this fantastic song. Darlene Love tells us what our Jewish friends are up to while we're inside celebrating Christmas - blasting Streisand, playing professional basketball, and drinking their "sweet ass wine".

Baby, It's Cold Outside

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" is a beloved Christmas classic. It was prominently featured in the movie Elf. And it is also all about date rape. Of course, I didn't actually realize this until I sung it for karaoke and had to pay attention to the lyrics. It's kind of weird that I didn't though, cause it's really all there. It's hard to believe I'd been listening to it my whole life and never picked up on what it was really about - a guy trying to coerce a hesitant young lady to stay at his place and get drunk so he can take advantage of her. In fact, on the original printed score, the parts are labeled "mouse" and "wolf".

Maybe I'm overreacting, though. After all, it was written by Frank Loesser to be a duet with his wife, which is kind of romantic. You can't date rape your spouse, right? It won an Oscar for best original song in 1949, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't give an Academy Award to a song about attempted rape. And Blossom sang it with her dad in an episode of Blossom, so... okay that's kind of weird.

There have been countless versions of this song released over the years bringing together pairs like Ray Charles & Dionne Warwick, Robert Palmer & Carnie Wilson, and Bette Midler & James Caan. But to me, the creepiest version is by Tom Jones and someone named Cerys Matthews. Tom Jones has always struck me as kind of rape-y anyway, and this video featuring him as some kind of rape demon makes me feel all kinds of uncomfortable (although there is a twist ending). Merry Christmas?

The Fab Four's Christmas Album

I've discovered a lot of cool music thanks to Little Steven Van Zandt and his Underground Garage, and this Christmas he introduced me to The Fab Four.  They are a Beatles tribute band that is faithful to the original in almost every possible way, from the harmonies to the outfits to the way they bob their heads.  I may not be that familiar with their work, but I'm pretty sure the best thing they ever did was their Christmas album.

In this double album, the Fab Four cover twenty classic Christmas tunes, but here's the twist - each one is done in the style of an existing Beatles song. "Joy to the World" in the style of "Please Please Me", "Feliz Navidad" in the style of "And I Love Her", "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" in the style of "When I'm Sixty-Four" (my personal favorite), etc. It's all just terrific stuff. They made one video of a song from the album, but it's really all worth checking out, especially if you're a Beatles fan. And then again, who isn't?

Goodfellas

It may not be a Christmas movie, but who can forget this classic scene from Martin Scorcese's 1990 epic Goodfellas? The holidays may be a time to shower your loved ones with expensive gifts, but NOT if you've just pulled off one of the biggest heists in history - a fact which Robert DeNiro's Jimmy Conway tactfully reminds us of in this scene, which also features The Ronettes' Frosty the Snowman and Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)".

Hanukkah

So tonight is the first night of Hanukkah, so I figured I'd throw a bone to our Jewish readers out there.  Let's face it, though - Christmas pretty much has a monopoly on the season's pop culture.  Aside from Adam Sandler's it-was-funny-the-first-thirty-times-I-heard-it song, there is precious little out there and if there is, I'd be the last one to know about it.  Nevertheless, here are three (mostly dreidel-related) songs to get even the goyest of goyim in the Hanukkah spirit!

From Benny Goodman to Woody Allen, Jews have always had a close relationship with jazz music.  In this first song, jazz singer/cantor Kenny Ellis sings an awesome swingin' version of pretty much the only Hanukkah song we gentiles are aware of.



South Park has always handled Jewish issues with maturity and good taste, and the holiday season is no exception.  I could have gone with "A Jew on Christmas" here, but I much prefer the Broflovski family's powerful version of The Dreidel Song (featuring Eric Cartman).

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics
Get More: SOUTH
PARKmore...

One of the few legitimate Hanukkah TV specials was 1996's "A Rugrats Chanukah".  Inspired by this groundbreaking episode, here is "Rugrats Chanukah", sung by the titular babies.  You can even watch the special in its entirety on the Nickelodeon site.



UPDATE: How could I forget this duet between comedy gods Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, from "A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All"?

Christmas Wrapping

It's not a very controversial statement to say that The Waitresses' "Christmas Wrapping" is one of the most awesome Christmas songs.  From the opening guitar licks to the catchy chorus, it's next to impossible not to want to bop all over the room when it comes on the radio.  The story of the song is basically the plot of an 80's movie set to music, and I can't believe it hasn't inspired a movie the way so many other Christmas songs (including the goddamn Christmas Shoes) have.

I don't really know much about The Waitresses, other than the fact I want to go back in time and have the lead singer be my badass, new wave girlfriend. I know that they also did "I Know What Boys Like" and the theme song to the cult 80's series Square Pegs, but that's where the trail goes cold.  In fact, no official video exists for "Christmas Wrapping", so I'm posting this one of a teenage girl lip syncing it.  It's probably what they would have wanted.

Christmas Shoes

"Christmas Shoes" is an awful, awful song by the Christian rock band Newsong which somehow manages to sneak into the rotation on those stations that play Christmas music all through December. Its inexplicable popularity even got it made into a book and a  TV movie starring Rob Lowe. Much like I can't understand how people can recreationally listen to techno music while they're just hanging around the house, I will never understand how anyone could possibly enjoy this song. Of course, leave it to standup comedian Patton Oswalt to break down all of the many, many reasons why this song is just the absolute worst.

Hip Christmas

Preparing for a holiday karaoke party last week, I spend a lot of time researching Christmas music. I thought I knew everything there was to know about the subject until I stumbled across HipChristmas.com, a treasure trove of information about the coolest obscure Christmas tunes you've never heard. Created by music expert Randy Anthony, it will point you in the direction of great songs, old and new, from every imaginable genre. His top 100 list is a great place to start, but there are also fantastic articles about dirty Christmas songs, Vietnam-inspired Christmas songs, and Christmas songs about celebrity stalking. The site also includes links to playlists from Spin, the Indie Rock Cafe, and Spinner.  If you want to throw a party that's anywhere near as cool as mine was, I highly recommend checking out Mr. Anthony's site.  Check out one of my finds from his archives - the 1948 hit "Boogie Woogie Santa Claus".

Father Christmas

The Kinks are regarded by many as one of the greatest rock bands of all time, so it's only fitting that they would have given us one of the greatest Christmas songs of all time. "Father Christmas" is a tale that's just as relevant today as it was when it was written in the late 70's, probably because that's the last time things sucked this bad. It's about a department store Santa Claus who is attacked by a group of kids who tell him to keep his toys "for the little rich boys" and instead ask for jobs for their fathers or, failing that, machine guns. Man, England in the 70's must have been so awesome. Happy Christmas!

The Santa/Jesus Medley

Jesus and Santa Claus first met in Matt Stone and Trey Parker's first animated film, and they did not get off on the right foot (to put it lightly). Years later, the two reunited for a musical Christmas episode of South Park in which they perform a lounge act featuring a medley of their favorite holiday tunes. While there is a bit of tension, there's nothing resembling the epic battle from their last encounter. And did you know that Santa Claus was a Duran Duran fan? Well, I did.

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics
Get More: SOUTH
PARKmore...

Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)

Did you know that The Ramones wrote a Christmas song? Well they did! It sounds pretty much like every other Ramones song, which is a good or a bad thing depending on what you think of The Ramones. The video for the song tells the story of a heavily-accented Long Island couple who are clearly not getting along. They beat the shit out of each other all throughout their Christmas party (which is attended by a Rabbi, for some reason), but make up afterwards. Or do they? There's a twist ending that would make M. Night Shyamalan crap his pants. Plus, a vomiting Santa Claus! Oh, those Ramones.

All I Want for Christmas is You

Today somebody posted the Justin Bieber version of this song on Facebook, and I just couldn't bring myself to watch it. Not because I have anything against Justin Bieber - I mean he sucks, but millions of prepubescent girls seem to think he's great and I'm not going to argue with them. But "All I Want for Christmas is You" is just a sacred thing that shouldn't be fucked with. It was a big part of anyone's Christmas if they grew up in the 90's and is just an all-around good time. I mean come on, that opening piano bit? Great. It also reminds me of a time when Mariah Carey was a smokin' hot babe frolicking through fields of flowers in daisy dukes and not your weird aunt who tries too hard to still look sexy.

UPDATE: I finally did attempt to watch the Bieber/Carey version and had to stop before they even started singing because I was fucking horrified. It's basically Bieber and pals popping boners at Mariah while she skanks it up in a slutty Christmas outfit. Creepy and awful.

Another reason this song resonates with me is because just about every Christmas, without fail, I am recently single. And when this song comes on, it makes me think of whoever finally got fed up with my shit and hit the road the month before. But you know what? I don't get sad. Sure, it would be nice to have that "special someone" at Christmas, and the lyrics are all about how none of the other stuff matters without one, but the awesomeness of the song itself is enough to keep me from my usual ex-related spiral of despair. And that, my friends, is a true Christmas miracle.