Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Anyone who knows me knows that I love karaoke. And when Christmas time comes around, there's one song that I have to sing simply because I get to channel, in some small way, the infectious joy of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. There's no feeling quite like it, and it's the one holiday tune that is guaranteed to win over a crowd of even the most cynical hipsters. That song, of course, is Bruce and the boys' legendary version of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town".

The famous version that we all know and love was recorded on December 14th, 1975 at a concert in Long Island, and was the B-side to "My Hometown". The song was so popular that it became a staple of Bruce's live shows during the Christmas season - and sometimes the off-season, such as a memorable 2009 performance at Bonnaroo. Those who have seen the whole production with their own eyes will tell you of the magical moment when saxophonist Clarence "Big Man" Clemons would step out dressed as Santa as Christmas lights began to light up all over the amps. Clemons also sang backup and provided the song with one hell of a sax solo until his death in 2011.

The song is known for Bruce's intro, in which he famously describes the "wind whippin' down the boardwalk" and asks the crowd if they've been good this year ("Not many!" he replies). In this 1978 version, he prefaces the song with an awesome, extended Jersey Shore fairy tale. Enjoy!

A Muppet Family Christmas

When you talk to people about the Muppets' Christmas movie, they usually think of The Muppet Christmas Carol. Which is a good movie, don't get me wrong, but it just doesn't quite work for me. Sure it was written by Jerry Juhl, Jim Henson's first employee, features most of the original voices and puppeteers, and it's got effing Michael Caine as Scrooge, but you can just kinda tell it's the first movie without Jim Henson in charge (he had died two years earlier). Plus it's way too schmaltzy. The Muppet Christmas movie I wish more people were familiar with is A Muppet Family Christmas.

A Muppet Family Christmas is a TV special from 1987, which later received a limited VHS release in a heavily edited form. It is notable for being one of the few occasions where characters from the four major Muppet brands got together (The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, and the Muppet Babies), and being Jim Henson's last major Muppets production. In it, Fozzie Bear and friends travel to his mom's house to surprise her for Christmas, not knowing that Emily Bear has gone on vacation and rented the house out to Doc and Sprocket from Fraggle Rock. Later, the Sesame Street crew shows up and Miss Piggy races a snowstorm to make it back in time from her latest photo shoot.

There is so much good stuff in this special - Fozzie doing a comedy act with a talking snowman. A love triangle between Gonzo, Camilla the chicken, and the Christmas turkey. The cast of Sesame Street acting out "Twas the Night Before Christmas". Mindblowing Muppet crossovers. Singalongs galore, of course. And a heartbreaking final cameo by Henson, who is shown washing dishes in the kitchen after Christmas dinner. Looking out at the assembled Muppets singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" he remarks, "I like it when they have a good time."

It's hilarious, it's joyous, it's fun, and to me, it was the last true Muppet movie. Oh and guess what - it's available in its entirety on YouTube, complete with all the original commercials! So now when we hang out in real life we can totally talk about it.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

I don't know why I did it to myself. Maybe it's the fact that there aren't a lot of Christmas options on Netflix that don't feature talking animals. Maybe it's my lingering affection for Home Improvement star Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Maybe I just hate myself that much. Well for whatever reason, I recently sat down and watched I'll Be Home for Christmas, the live action Disney "comedy" best known for being the last time anyone has ever seen JTT alive.

Now, I have an unusually high tolerance for Christmas-themed crap, as shown by my love of Jingle All the Way and the fact that I've sat through The Star Wars Holiday Special more than once. But I'll Be Home for Christmas is a horrible, horrible abomination, and I want to round up every copy in existence and have them buried in the desert like the E.T. Atari game.

In the "film", Jonathan Taylor Thomas plays a wisecracking college student who is sort of like the non-thinking man's Parker Lewis. When he fails to deliver on his promise to help a group of jocks ace an exam, he's left in the desert dressed in a Santa suit on the day he's supposed to accompany his girlfriend (Jessica Biel) home for the holidays. What follows is a series of "hilarious" misadventures as JTT hoofs it cross country with a series of painfully unfunny companions such as a carload of flatulant old ladies, a simple-minded thief, a lovestruck goober of a state trooper, his college nemesis (the only character more loathsome than his), and a group of marathon-running Santas. In the end JTT predictably wins back the girl and makes it home for Christmas, even though his smarmy prick of a character hardly deserves it.

What makes this unfunny shitshow even worse are the shoehorned-in sentimental moments meant to make you feel like JTT's character (I want to say "Jack"?) is anything more than a soulless asshole. He makes a detour to a children's hospital, where a young wide-eyed Hispanic stereotype reminds him that Christmas is about family. He returns the money he wins in the Santa marathon after finding out the man he beat was going to use it to buy turkeys for the poor. Finally, he refuses the vintage Porsche his dad (Gary Cole) used as a bribe to get him to come home. These incidents are supposed to show some sort of character development, but I was too busy waiting for Jack to be killed in a grizzly Christmas-related accident to notice any.

The only good thing about this movie is that it is an excellent time capsule of 1998, if you ever needed one. The fashions, the frosted tips, the cultural references, and especially the music. References are made to Fiona Apple, Aaliyah, Smashmouth, and more. At one point, Jessica Biel sings along to Aqua's "Doctor Jones" and her future husband is featured in "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays", NSync's Christmas song which plays during the credits.

But if you're not doing some sort of anthropological study on the year 1998, morbidly curious about the last days of Jonathan Taylor Thomas, or physically confined to a couch in front of a TV playing ABC Family, there is absolutely no reason to ever subject yourself to this film. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to watch Scrooged ten times in a row to get this awful taste out of my mouth.

Novelty Songs

Hey everybody, it's Christmas time again! If you're like me, you're one of those happily deranged people who looks forward to the time of year where you can revel in nonstop Christmas music - and holy crap, there sure is a lot of it. I've covered a lot of specific songs in this blog, and have many more in store, but I figured I'd kick off the Cavalcade this year with a look at a special (and oft maligned) subgenre, the novelty song.

A novelty song is, according to Wikipedia, a "comical or nonsensical song, performed principally for its comical effect". And yes, while these songs often attempt to be "comical", I'd add some other specifications to the description. They are usually performed by artists who are never heard from again (like, say, Buckner & Garcia), and they are just plain weird and unique - one might even go so far as to call them "novel". As in, "It certainly is novel to write a song about a girl asking for a giant, deadly water mammal for Christmas". Speaking of which, let's get to our first entry.

"I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" is probably the Christmas novelty song that I hate the least, if only because it's so goddamn adorable. It was recorded by 10-year-old Gayla Peevey from Ponca City, Oklahoma in 1953. The unexpected hit shot up to number 24 on the Billboard charts and earned Peevy the ultimate symbol of 50s showbiz success - an appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. A local campaign raised $4000 for the purchase of a baby hippo - mostly in dimes and nickles sent in by children - which was presented to the Oklahoma City Zoo on Christmas Eve. Matilda the hippo lived to the ripe old age (for a hippo) of 48.

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" is one of the most polarizing Christmas novelty songs ever, in that there are actually some people who legitimately like it. In fact, a 2007 study found that the song ranked high among both the most "liked" and "disliked" Christmas songs. It certainly is dark - an elderly relative getting drunk and trampled to death isn't the usual stuff of holiday music - but that's not enough to keep it from being really repetitive and annoying. Then again, making repetitive and annoying music has been a pretty solid business plan since the dawn of time.

Not many people know this, but actor Joe Pesci started his career singing with vocal groups in the 60s, eventually releasing an album called Little Joe Sure Can Sing! in 1968. I guess somewhere along the line he got nostalgic for those simpler times, or maybe some brilliant producer or agent wanted to capitalize on the success of My Cousin Vinny, because in 1998 he released Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You. A baffling combination of standards and profanity-laced "funny" songs highlighting his tough guy persona, it just so happens to contain a Christmas song that oddly never became a holiday classic.

And finally, here's the classic tale of Santa Claus' friendly donkey pal, Dominick. This is probably the most beloved Christmas novelty song that everyone says they hate. Like most novelty songs, it sure is catchy - the "hee-haw, hee-haw" chorus sees to that - and it's so dumb it's hard not to love. The song, recorded by singer Lou Monte in 1960, tells of a beloved toy-delivering donkey that "climbs the hills of Italy". Donkeys are a common sight in southern Italy, due to their ability to climb rugged terrain. The song is more popular in New York than in any other state, perhaps due to the state's high Italian-American population or its shout out to "Brook-a-lyn".

The Good Times Gang Saves Christmas

A little less than a month ago, I kicked off this year's Cavalcade early because I desperately needed the Christmas spirit to make up for what was, quite frankly, a terrible, terrible year. And wouldn't you know it - Christmas has delivered yet again. I've spent the last few weeks celebrating with old friends and new, reconnecting with family members, and of course, sharing my love of holiday-related pop culture with the Internets.

For this year's final entry, I'm choosing a short movie I made with my sister and my girlfriend at the time way back in the winter of 2008. The three of us had been sitting around one night talking about Christmas and our desire to work on some sort of creative project when we came up with the plot for the Ultimate Christmas Movie. The only problem was that it was almost Christmas, and we'd have to film the whole thing in one day. Undaunted, the girls called everyone we knew who might want to act in the film while I banged out a script. By the end of the night we had a script, but no cast. It turns out I'd have to play all six male

characters (which, in the long run, made the shoot less complicated and the movie even funnier).

The story revolves around a group of mystery-solving teen do-gooders known as the Good Times Gang, who must step in to save Christmas when a local toy shop is threatened by the construction of a nearby big box superstore - all the while being picked off one by one by a mysterious serial killer. The movie includes homages to Home Alone, A Christmas Carol, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Christmas-themed horror movies, and more, and has a soundtrack featuring pretty much all of my favorite holiday tunes. It clocks in at a little over sixteen minutes and yes, it was written, shot, and edited over the course of three days.

Our day of shooting was pretty brutal, what with it being freezing effing cold out and me having to constantly apply (and scrub off) various Sharpie marker moustaches. But we got through it - zipping all over my hometown of Ramsey, NJ and filming guerilla-style at a shopping center, the town library, and the alley behind the Walgreens. And in the end, it turned out to be a project I am extremely proud of - not just because it was a true Christmas Miracle how well it all turned out, but because it is sort of the best love letter to the holiday season I could have written and I got to make it with two great people.

You can probably only watch the whole thing if you're Facebook friends with me - the use of tons of copywritten Christmas songs means it never stays on YouTube for very long - but those lucky ones who not only read this blog but also get to be friends with me IRL can check it out (if you haven't already). Or, if you're not some Nigerian scam artist or Eastern European smut peddler, feel free to friend me.

Merry Christmas, everybody! And thanks for reading. Hope you and yours have a great one.

David Letterman

Long before he was the Elder Statesman of Late Night Television, David Letterman was bringing a very new and unique version of comedy to television - a bizarre, absurdist vibe that flew in the face of classic late night conventions. He was the bridge between the traditional style of Johnny Carson and modern-day comedy anarchists like Conan O'Brian and Jimmy Fallon. His persona, influenced deeply by writers like Merrill Markoe and Chris Elliot, has mellowed with age, but back in the 80s he was like nothing else on television. And he also did some pretty awesome Christmas-related stuff.

Before he was America's crazy Republican uncle who you hope doesn't start to talk politics at Thanksgiving dinner, Ted Nugent was the Motor City Madman. Here he is doing a duet of "The Christmas Song" with Dave back in the late 80's - I could have gone with a better quality clip, but this one includes a bit at the end with a cigar-chomping Dave riding with some Christmas carolers in a sleigh driven by 1987 Indy 500 winner Bobby Rayhal.


In December of 1986, Darlene Love appeared on Late Night to perform her classic "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" with Paul Schafer and The World's Most Dangerous Band. Dave was so impressed that he invited her back to do the song again next year, and every year since that for the past 27 years. Below is footage of her original '86 performance, as well as a mashup of all of her performances from Dave's Late Show days ('93-present).




Perhaps Letterman and company's most memorable Christmas invention was 1984's "Christmas with the Lettermans", in which Dave and his fake family welcome Pat Boone, the Doodletown Pipers, and monologist and "standup tragedy" performer Brother Theodore to their annual holiday special. Along the way, Dave's youngest son is sent on a tragic journey through the streets of New York City to fetch a tree, we learn that, sadly, Dave's "wife" Audrey Daniels-Letterman, was not a regular on Mission: Impossible, and the whole gang treats us to a rendition of the incredibly dumb "It Smells Like Christmas".

Love Actually

This time last year - almost to the day - I was on a flight to Aruba to attend a "destination wedding" with my girlfriend. Sounds awesome, right? Unfortunately, our relationship had been over since about a week after we bought the plane tickets months earlier. The only thing worse than the prospect of spending an awkward week in paradise with a girl for whom I felt nothing was the in-flight movie: New Year's Eve. The film, much like its predecessor Valentine's Day, was full of forced, pandering sentimentality and unnecessarily intertwining storylines. I love great movies, and I love shitty movies, but there are few things I hate as much as I hate mediocre movies. And the mediocrity of New Year's Eve, with its blandly attractive cast and cringe-worthy attempts at humor, was off the charts. Of course, movies like this would not have existed if it wasn't for the granddaddy of them all - 2003's Love Actually.

So obviously I had some reservations when I finally decided to sit down and watch Love Actually last night. But I had to watch it - it is beloved by many people whose opinions I respect, and widely recognized as a very Christmas-y movie. Plus it's kind of an iconic modern romantic comedy, and the next time it came up in conversation I would be able to condescendingly dismiss it using unassailable facts and logic. The opening didn't do much to change my preconceived notions - people hugging in an airport terminal, cheesy music and captions, Hugh Grant's lame-ass monologue (complete with a 9/11 reference and titular line). I had just settled my brains for a long winter's snark when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but the legendary Bill Nighy channeling Keith Richards. And that's when everything started to change.

Now I'm not going to say that Love Actually is a great movie. It it is, unsurprisingly, full of pandering sentimentality, worn out cliches, and genuinely eyeroll-inducing moments. You can pretty much guess how every character's story is going to end up within five minutes of meeting them. And there are too many goddamn characters, causing many plotlines to be poorly resolved or totally unnecessary. But like many other films or TV shows, the material is elevated by its stellar cast. There's a reason why LA's American ripoffs pale in comparison - America's sweethearts are Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Jon Bon Jovi, and Katherine Heigl, while Britain's sweethearts are Alan Rickman, Martin Freeman, Emma Thompson, and Hugh Grant (say what you will about the guy, he is never not the most charming dude on screen).

And let's face it, there are some pretty fantastic moments in this film if you just start to enjoy it for what it is. The Prime Minister getting revenge on the sleazy US President (played by Billy Bob Thornton?!) Awesome. Colin Firth learning Portuguese and then running off to propose to the love of his life? Awesome. Alan Rickman saying just about anything? Awesome. The weird looking dude who gets to bang every chick in Wisconsin, including Betty Draper? Well actually, I don't know how I feel about that one. As cheesy as it was, a lot of the romantic stuff in the movie was great, and there were plenty of lines that were actually, shockingly funny. Not to mention pretty much every single aspect of the movie revolves around Christmas, which is obviously a big plus in my book.

I can't believe I'm actually writing this, but Love Actually is just one big celebration of Love and Christmas - just as long as you realize that you're watching a silly romantic comedy. Apparently there is this big buzzkill article on Jezebel about how terrible it is - probably calling it an insidiously misogynist tool of the rape culture Patriarchy or some such - but I really don't want to read it because sometimes it's okay to just shut off your brain and watch something nice with a big, dumb smile on your face. Especially if it's Christmastime.