Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Anyone who knows me knows that I love karaoke. And when Christmas time comes around, there's one song that I have to sing simply because I get to channel, in some small way, the infectious joy of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. There's no feeling quite like it, and it's the one holiday tune that is guaranteed to win over a crowd of even the most cynical hipsters. That song, of course, is Bruce and the boys' legendary version of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town".

The famous version that we all know and love was recorded on December 14th, 1975 at a concert in Long Island, and was the B-side to "My Hometown". The song was so popular that it became a staple of Bruce's live shows during the Christmas season - and sometimes the off-season, such as a memorable 2009 performance at Bonnaroo. Those who have seen the whole production with their own eyes will tell you of the magical moment when saxophonist Clarence "Big Man" Clemons would step out dressed as Santa as Christmas lights began to light up all over the amps. Clemons also sang backup and provided the song with one hell of a sax solo until his death in 2011.

The song is known for Bruce's intro, in which he famously describes the "wind whippin' down the boardwalk" and asks the crowd if they've been good this year ("Not many!" he replies). In this 1978 version, he prefaces the song with an awesome, extended Jersey Shore fairy tale. Enjoy!

A Muppet Family Christmas

When you talk to people about the Muppets' Christmas movie, they usually think of The Muppet Christmas Carol. Which is a good movie, don't get me wrong, but it just doesn't quite work for me. Sure it was written by Jerry Juhl, Jim Henson's first employee, features most of the original voices and puppeteers, and it's got effing Michael Caine as Scrooge, but you can just kinda tell it's the first movie without Jim Henson in charge (he had died two years earlier). Plus it's way too schmaltzy. The Muppet Christmas movie I wish more people were familiar with is A Muppet Family Christmas.

A Muppet Family Christmas is a TV special from 1987, which later received a limited VHS release in a heavily edited form. It is notable for being one of the few occasions where characters from the four major Muppet brands got together (The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, and the Muppet Babies), and being Jim Henson's last major Muppets production. In it, Fozzie Bear and friends travel to his mom's house to surprise her for Christmas, not knowing that Emily Bear has gone on vacation and rented the house out to Doc and Sprocket from Fraggle Rock. Later, the Sesame Street crew shows up and Miss Piggy races a snowstorm to make it back in time from her latest photo shoot.

There is so much good stuff in this special - Fozzie doing a comedy act with a talking snowman. A love triangle between Gonzo, Camilla the chicken, and the Christmas turkey. The cast of Sesame Street acting out "Twas the Night Before Christmas". Mindblowing Muppet crossovers. Singalongs galore, of course. And a heartbreaking final cameo by Henson, who is shown washing dishes in the kitchen after Christmas dinner. Looking out at the assembled Muppets singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" he remarks, "I like it when they have a good time."

It's hilarious, it's joyous, it's fun, and to me, it was the last true Muppet movie. Oh and guess what - it's available in its entirety on YouTube, complete with all the original commercials! So now when we hang out in real life we can totally talk about it.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

I don't know why I did it to myself. Maybe it's the fact that there aren't a lot of Christmas options on Netflix that don't feature talking animals. Maybe it's my lingering affection for Home Improvement star Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Maybe I just hate myself that much. Well for whatever reason, I recently sat down and watched I'll Be Home for Christmas, the live action Disney "comedy" best known for being the last time anyone has ever seen JTT alive.

Now, I have an unusually high tolerance for Christmas-themed crap, as shown by my love of Jingle All the Way and the fact that I've sat through The Star Wars Holiday Special more than once. But I'll Be Home for Christmas is a horrible, horrible abomination, and I want to round up every copy in existence and have them buried in the desert like the E.T. Atari game.

In the "film", Jonathan Taylor Thomas plays a wisecracking college student who is sort of like the non-thinking man's Parker Lewis. When he fails to deliver on his promise to help a group of jocks ace an exam, he's left in the desert dressed in a Santa suit on the day he's supposed to accompany his girlfriend (Jessica Biel) home for the holidays. What follows is a series of "hilarious" misadventures as JTT hoofs it cross country with a series of painfully unfunny companions such as a carload of flatulant old ladies, a simple-minded thief, a lovestruck goober of a state trooper, his college nemesis (the only character more loathsome than his), and a group of marathon-running Santas. In the end JTT predictably wins back the girl and makes it home for Christmas, even though his smarmy prick of a character hardly deserves it.

What makes this unfunny shitshow even worse are the shoehorned-in sentimental moments meant to make you feel like JTT's character (I want to say "Jack"?) is anything more than a soulless asshole. He makes a detour to a children's hospital, where a young wide-eyed Hispanic stereotype reminds him that Christmas is about family. He returns the money he wins in the Santa marathon after finding out the man he beat was going to use it to buy turkeys for the poor. Finally, he refuses the vintage Porsche his dad (Gary Cole) used as a bribe to get him to come home. These incidents are supposed to show some sort of character development, but I was too busy waiting for Jack to be killed in a grizzly Christmas-related accident to notice any.

The only good thing about this movie is that it is an excellent time capsule of 1998, if you ever needed one. The fashions, the frosted tips, the cultural references, and especially the music. References are made to Fiona Apple, Aaliyah, Smashmouth, and more. At one point, Jessica Biel sings along to Aqua's "Doctor Jones" and her future husband is featured in "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays", NSync's Christmas song which plays during the credits.

But if you're not doing some sort of anthropological study on the year 1998, morbidly curious about the last days of Jonathan Taylor Thomas, or physically confined to a couch in front of a TV playing ABC Family, there is absolutely no reason to ever subject yourself to this film. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to watch Scrooged ten times in a row to get this awful taste out of my mouth.

Novelty Songs

Hey everybody, it's Christmas time again! If you're like me, you're one of those happily deranged people who looks forward to the time of year where you can revel in nonstop Christmas music - and holy crap, there sure is a lot of it. I've covered a lot of specific songs in this blog, and have many more in store, but I figured I'd kick off the Cavalcade this year with a look at a special (and oft maligned) subgenre, the novelty song.

A novelty song is, according to Wikipedia, a "comical or nonsensical song, performed principally for its comical effect". And yes, while these songs often attempt to be "comical", I'd add some other specifications to the description. They are usually performed by artists who are never heard from again (like, say, Buckner & Garcia), and they are just plain weird and unique - one might even go so far as to call them "novel". As in, "It certainly is novel to write a song about a girl asking for a giant, deadly water mammal for Christmas". Speaking of which, let's get to our first entry.

"I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" is probably the Christmas novelty song that I hate the least, if only because it's so goddamn adorable. It was recorded by 10-year-old Gayla Peevey from Ponca City, Oklahoma in 1953. The unexpected hit shot up to number 24 on the Billboard charts and earned Peevy the ultimate symbol of 50s showbiz success - an appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. A local campaign raised $4000 for the purchase of a baby hippo - mostly in dimes and nickles sent in by children - which was presented to the Oklahoma City Zoo on Christmas Eve. Matilda the hippo lived to the ripe old age (for a hippo) of 48.

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" is one of the most polarizing Christmas novelty songs ever, in that there are actually some people who legitimately like it. In fact, a 2007 study found that the song ranked high among both the most "liked" and "disliked" Christmas songs. It certainly is dark - an elderly relative getting drunk and trampled to death isn't the usual stuff of holiday music - but that's not enough to keep it from being really repetitive and annoying. Then again, making repetitive and annoying music has been a pretty solid business plan since the dawn of time.

Not many people know this, but actor Joe Pesci started his career singing with vocal groups in the 60s, eventually releasing an album called Little Joe Sure Can Sing! in 1968. I guess somewhere along the line he got nostalgic for those simpler times, or maybe some brilliant producer or agent wanted to capitalize on the success of My Cousin Vinny, because in 1998 he released Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You. A baffling combination of standards and profanity-laced "funny" songs highlighting his tough guy persona, it just so happens to contain a Christmas song that oddly never became a holiday classic.

And finally, here's the classic tale of Santa Claus' friendly donkey pal, Dominick. This is probably the most beloved Christmas novelty song that everyone says they hate. Like most novelty songs, it sure is catchy - the "hee-haw, hee-haw" chorus sees to that - and it's so dumb it's hard not to love. The song, recorded by singer Lou Monte in 1960, tells of a beloved toy-delivering donkey that "climbs the hills of Italy". Donkeys are a common sight in southern Italy, due to their ability to climb rugged terrain. The song is more popular in New York than in any other state, perhaps due to the state's high Italian-American population or its shout out to "Brook-a-lyn".