He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special

I've got to be honest with you guys - I never really watched He-Man when I was a kid. I don't know why, since it certainly was aimed squarely at my demographic back in the 80's, but I guess I was just more of a Rubik, The Amazing Cube guy. Regardless, I wasn't going to let that technicality keep me from watching (and attempting to enjoy) He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special.

First of all, it turns out that the world of He-Man and She-Ra is weirder than I could have possibly imagined. I knew that they were a prince and princess who changed into badass defenders of Greyskull when they held up a sword or whatever, but what I didn't know was how many bizarre supporting characters there were. All kinds of weird alien creatures, a mermaid who talks like Zsa Zsa Gabor, a dude with a metal elephant head, and of course Orko - the dumbass, troublemaking creature with the annoying voice that seems to have been a staple of 80's action/adventure cartoons (see also: Snarf).

Anyway, He-Man and She-Ra are twins and it's their birthday, which happens to be right around the Earth holiday known as "Christmas". But of course Orko fucks everything up by accidentally flying He-Man's spy jet to Earth, where he meets two adorable children who got lost trying to find a Christmas tree in the woods. Why two kids lost in the woods would immediately befriend a weird-ass floating space creature is beyond me - weren't there PSAs about that sort of thing in the 80's? - but the kids take time to explain to Orko the Meaning of Christmas (love, presents, vague references to the birth of Jesus).

Meanwhile, He-Man and She-Ra have to get a magic crystal, fight a monster, and outwit some giant robots for some reason in order to get Orko and the spy plane back. Unfortunately, Skeletor manages to kidnap the two Earth kids during all of this nonsense. Left alone with Skeletor, the kids find an adorable space puppy and help ol' bony-face get into the holiday spirit.

Let me just talk about Skeletor for a second here - I found it almost impossible to take him seriously as a villain. Maybe they dumbed him down for the Christmas special, maybe it's because he sounds exactly like The Monarch from The Venture Brothers (or rather, The Monarch sounds like him), or maybe it's because he's so easily turned into a sniveling wuss by two doe-eyed kids, but come on dude. Also, apparently he has to answer to a boss who's supposedly even more evil than him, which reminded me of when I found out in G.I. Joe: The Movie that Serpentor had to answer to some alien dude with the voice of Burgess Meredith. Lame.

So obviously He-Man and She-Ra save the day, they have a wonderful Christmas/birthday party with all their freaky alien friends back at the castle, and they send the kids home to their parents. After the whole ordeal is over, He-Man (as his alter ego, the incredibly lame Prince Adam), attempts to once again explain to Orko that Christmas is about more than just presents before ending with an "Oh, Orko..." and a knowing glance to the audience.

In closing, I guess He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special had pretty much everything I'd expect from a Christmas special featuring He-Man and She-Ra. It all seems like a bunch of silly nonsense now, but certainly no sillier than Galaxy High was. Did Galaxy High do a Christmas episode? I'll have to look into it.

 

The Christmas Consultant

Let's face it - there's only so much Christmas stuff to go around. I never get sick of the classics, of course, but for addicts like me, there's never been enough new material to keep up with my insatiable demand. That is, until I discovered the wealth of cheesy Christmas movies that are cranked out each year by basic cable stations like ABC Family, The Hallmark Channel, and (my personal favorite) Lifetime.

As I've mentioned before, each one follows a time-tested formula - a delicious recipe, like your grandma's egg nog. Arguably the most important ingredient is the c-list celebrity, and The Christmas Consultant, which kicks off this year's Cavalcade, has got a doozy - David motherflippin' Hasselhoff (It's also got TV's Caroline Rhea, but who cares).

Ms. Rhea plays a frazzled working woman who has no time for the holidays (a staple of any cable Christmas movie), yet must host an elaborate Christmas party to impress a potential client. In order to accomplish this she hires Owen, the titular Consultant, who spends the entire month of December immersing the family in Christmas spirit in a ridiculous, over-the-top way that only the Hoff could pull off.

Don't get me wrong - like most made-for-cable Christmas movies, this one is dumb. Really dumb. But Hasselhoff is allowed to do what he does best, and that's running around like a goddamn nutjob. Plus, I can kind of identify with his character's bottomless enthusiasm for the season, and frankly I'm a little jealous of his job. Except the part at the end when Caroline Rhea kicks his ass at the Christmas party. Apparently she thinks he's hogging all the credit for the party and making her family like him more than her, even though he has done all the work and of course her family has grown to prefer the lovable Christmas lunatic over the career-obsessed shrew.

This being what it is, everything is wrapped up with a nice little bow by the end. In a twist everyone can see coming a mile away, it turns out [SPOILER ALERT!] that the family that Owen awkwardly refers to throughout the movie has been dead for years. This knowledge melts Caroline Rhea's bitchy heart, and he is invited to spend Christmas at her place.

No matter what ingredients you use - a charming small town, an American city that looks suspiciously like Toronto, public domain Christmas music, an unlikely romance, a precocious child, a magical Santa-like character, etc. - the final product is always the same: The Perfect Christmas™. It may be sickeningly sweet or extra cheesy, but it's what basic cable does best. Well, that and Road House marathons.

New Year's Eve

Okay, so the Cavalcade isn't done just yet. New Year's Eve is technically part of the "holiday season", and no one takes down the Christmas decorations until after it's over. Unfortunately, I really can't muster anywhere near the same enthusiasm for the 31st that I can for the 25th. Maybe it's because it marks the end of the holidays and the beginning of Just Plain Winter. Maybe it's because I very rarely have someone to kiss at midnight. Maybe it's because I'm emotionally spent after blowing my Christmas wad. Whatever it is, it's pretty lame. But that's certainly not going to stop me from writing a blog post about it!

The one thing you can always count on on New Year's Eve is that everyone usually waits until the last minute to make plans, and as a result things end up being pretty half-assed. Gawker actually wrote a really great article about the five types of New Year's parties, most of which suck. Frank Loesser, who also wrote "Baby, it's Cold Outside", encourages us to avoid these problems by planning ahead (even if it's much too early in the game) in his song "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?" And no, I'm not going to post that Zooey Deschanel/Joseph Gordon Levitt version that's been all over Facebook. Even though yes, it is fucking adorable.



As you may already know, I love The OC. And one of the most memorable episodes from its stellar first season is when Ryan makes it to the New Year's party just in time to keep Marissa from having to kiss Oliver at midnight. Oliver, of course, was the creepy weirdo she met in her therapist's waiting room who she keeps insisting to Ryan is "just a friend" even though he is, as I mentioned, a creepy weirdo who (SPOILER ALERT) ends up in a scary situation later in the season involving pills and guns. But anyway, here is the scene in which Ryan (as usual) saves the day. SWOON.



John Roberts, famous for The Christmas Tree, recently brought back his New Jersey mom character for an epic New Year's video. In it, Mom prepares for a party, philosophizes about New Year's resolutions, and gets drunk with her best friend Fran (played by Blondie's Debbie Harry). Enjoy it, and have a great 2012, everybody!

The Christmas Song

The day after Christmas is really sad, especially for someone who loves it at much as I do.  You've got to pack up, go back to work, and quit all the holiday spirit cold turkey.  And just like Christmas eventually must end, so too must the Christmas Cavalcade.  I'd like to thank all of my readers - the blog really took off as the month went on and we've had visitors from as far away as Russia and Brazil! I sincerely hope that I was able to help make your holiday season a little more awesome.

We're gonna close things out with what I consider the ultimate Christmas song, and it is appropriately titled "The Christmas Song".  It was written in 1944 by Mel Tormé and Bob Wells, and later recorded by Nat King Cole.  It was Cole's idea to use a string section in his recording, and could you really imagine the song without one? The opening strains of "The Christmas Song" immediately fill me with every positive emotion associated with the season, and if they don't do the same to you, you must not have a soul.



So thanks again, everybody.  Have a wonderful Christmas and a kickass New Year's!  And stay tuned for my upcoming blog, "Larson's Cavalcade of Presidents' Day"!

Christmastime for the Jews

Robert Smeigel, the genius behind TV Funhouse, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, and uh, Don't Mess with the Zohan (okay, two out of three ain't bad), is responsible for this fantastic song. Darlene Love tells us what our Jewish friends are up to while we're inside celebrating Christmas - blasting Streisand, playing professional basketball, and drinking their "sweet ass wine".

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation/A Christmas Story

Regular viewings of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story this time of year are as reliable as a visit from the man in the red suit.  You can always count on cable television to ensure that you get to see both of these classics every year, probably more than once.  They're kind of like two relatives that you look forward to seeing every Christmas - they're familiar, they're funny, and they may tell the same jokes every year but you don't really care.

A Christmas Story is based on a series of short stories author Jean Shephard (who also narrates the film) wrote for Playboy magazine in the 1960's.  In it, a boy named Ralphie's single-minded quest for a Red Ryder BB gun is fraught with evil Santas, violent gingers, and the Bumpus hounds.  Ralphie was played by actor Peter Billingsley, who (contrary to popular belief) never became a porn star but went on to produce films like The Break-Up and Iron Man.  And of course Ralphie's father, "The Old Man", was played by Darren McGavin - an actor that you'll probably also recognize as Billy Madison's dad. Here's a clip of Ralphie telling Santa what he really wants for Christmas.

Christmas Vacation is a film for a slightly more "adult" crowd, which chronicles Clark Griswold's equally passionate quest to provide the perfect Christmas for his family. Randy Quaid (as Cousin Eddie) really steals the show ("Shitter was full!"), but I'll always have a soft spot for Uncle Lewis (famous old man William Hickey) and Aunt Bethany (Mae Questel, the original voice of Betty Boop and Olive Oyl). "Grace? She passed away thirty years ago!"  Here's a clip of Clark's famous freakout when he realizes he's gotten a jelly club membership instead of his expected Christmas bonus.  Clark Griswold IS the 99%.

Christmas Pin-Ups

And now, just for the hell of it, here are some Christmas pin-ups. This first one is entitled "The Bellringer" and it raises a lot of questions. Isn't she cold? Are those priests checking her out? What exactly is a Christmas basket fund? Am I really getting turned on by a drawing from the 50's?

Now this is one lucky-ass snowman. Of course, that lady is totally someone's grandma.

I am totally in love with this girl. Someday I will fly to Sweden and marry her, but in the meantime I will just look at her Christmas pin-up pictures and sigh wistfully.

Oh, and here's an extra special Christmas pin-up for my female readers! Awwwwww yeah.