The Rockefeller Center Tree

There are few more festive places to be in New York City this time of year than Rockefeller Center. Between the trumpeting angels, the smell of roasting chestnuts in the air, and the skating rink, it's all but impossible not to get wrapped up in the holiday spirit while you're there - it is a testament to its power that Rockefeller Center at Christmastime is one of the few places where you are more likely to react to tourists with a friendly smile than immediate murderous rage. But the real reason everyone's there is obviously the world famous tree that overlooks the rink.

As a kid growing up in North Jersey in the 80s and 90s, I was as enthralled with New York City as my mother was petrified of it. We only visited once a year - to see the tree - and it was a quick walk from the parking garage to Rockefeller Plaza and back, with Mom insisting that I not make eye contact with anyone along the way for fear of setting off some sort of junkie gang attack. Back then the combination of the crowds and my small stature ensured that my view consisted mostly of a whole bunch of acid-washed jeans,
but now that I'm tall enough to appreciate it, I try to make it there at least once a year.

The first Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center was a modest 20-footer put up by workers during 30 Rock's construction and decorated with strings of cranberries, paper garlands, and tin cans. The first official tree lighting was in 1933, and NBC Radio breathlessly described the 50 foot tree to a nation of listeners back when people could still use their imaginations. The ceremony was first televised in 1951 and hosted by the "first lady of radio", Kate Smith. Since then it has been hosted by stars such as Barbara Walters, Bob Hope, Lilly Tomlin, and Liza Minnelli. Nowadays the duties usually fall to the cast of NBC's Today Show.

The average Rockefeller tree is around 75 feet tall and is decorated with tens of thousands of lights. For the past ten years it has been topped with the Swarovski Star, which contains 25,000 crystal panels and weighs 550 pounds. The largest ever tree was a 100-foot Norway spruce which was erected in 1999.

This year's tree lighting ceremony, which is airing tonight, features musical performances by America's slutty aunt Mariah Carey, 90s R&B stars with nothing better to do Toni Braxton, Mary J. Blige, Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds, and Ashanti, Kelly "The Only Famous American Idol" Clarkson, the Goo Goo Dolls for some reason, and this year's model of the Disney Actoteensingatron 3000™, Ariana Grande. And it's starting right now so I'd better wrap this thing up!

Santa's Slay

There have been a lot of horror-themed Christmas movies made over the years, but it's very hard to find one in which Santa Claus himself is the killer. Sure, there are plenty of flicks where the villain is a guy dressed in a Santa outfit, which I guess is kind of cool, but for the most part the killings are performed by a mutant snowman, a deranged chef, or just a plain ol' serial killer. Call me crazy, but all I wanted was a movie where Santa Claus himself snapped and started murdering people - and finally my prayers were answered with the 2005 film Santa's Slay.

The movie stars WCW wrestler Bill Goldberg as Santa, who apparently is a demon who lost a bet with an angel and must spend eternity delivering toys to children all over the world. Once the bet is off, however, he decides to take out his pent-up hostility on the residents of a charming Midwestern town. The movie also features SCTV alum Dave Thomas as the mayor, veteran character actor Saul Rubinek as "Mr. Green", and 70's television staple Robert Culp as "Grandpa". The only problem? It sucks. How could you make a movie about a bloodthirsty Santa Claus played by a former wrestler suck? It could be that it was written and directed by David Steiman, whose main credit up until that point was assistant to Bret Rattner. But for whatever reason, other than a few random Santa Claus murders, Santa's Slay is a major disappointment.

The one thing that almost saves the movie, though, is its opening scene. For some reason, Steiman had access to the most random assortment collection of actors ever, including James Caan, Fran Dresher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart. In their all-too-brief scene, they play a family of awful people whose Christmas dinner is interrupted when Santa comes down the chimney. Santa proceeds to gleefully murder the entire clan, including the dog. It's a fantastic, jaw-dropping scene and probably the only part of Santa's Slay you really need to see. When it comes to Christmas movies about murderous monsters, you should probably stick to Gremlins.

Ernest Saves Christmas

There was a time in the 1980s when you could not escape the media empire of Ernest P. Worrell. Having risen from the obscurity of selling milk, cars, and aluminum siding on the Kentucky/Oklahoma airwaves, actor Jim Varney's dimwitted yet purehearted creation burst into the national spotlight with 1987's instant classic Ernest Goes to Camp, followed by the Saturday morning series Hey Vern, It's Ernest! Eventually the fickle American viewing public turned its back on Ernest as he continued to churn out obscure titles like Ernest Goes to School, Ernest Rides Again, and Ernest Goes to Africa. Before his star faded, however, he had one last hurrah with 1988's Ernest Saves Christmas.

In every Ernest movie (and this is an educated guess, since I've only seen 3 of the 9), Ernest has a job that he's terrible at. In Ernest Saves Christmas, he's a shitty cab driver who ends up in possession of both Santa's magic sack and a rebellious teen runaway named Harmony. Santa's in town to pick a successor, and his eye is on kindly local kids' show host Joe Carruthers. Unfortunately, Joe is also being courted by a sleazy Hollywood agent who wants him to star in a very kid-unfriendly horror movie called "Santa's Slay". Throughout the movie, Ernest and Harmony scramble to bust Santa out of jail, convince Joe to take the job, and get the reindeer and sled in the air on time - not to mention use Christmas Magic to make it snow in Orlando.

The movie features the usual callbacks to Ernest mythology, including the wacky duo of "Chuck & Bobby" and a visit to the perpetually put-upon "Vern". As far as Ernest goes, it's kind of ironic that an actor so adept at playing a wide array of characters managed to get typecast as one guy for the majority of his career, especially one whose schtick gets old really quick. The one saving grace of Ernest, though, is his childlike innocence and irrepressible enthusiasm - qualities that make him the perfect choice to save Christmas, a summer camp, or, presumably, Africa.

A Very Special Christmas

The "Very Special Christmas" album series began in 1987 when superproducer Jimmy Iovine decided to honor the memory of his father by getting his famous musician friends together to record original or cover versions of Christmas songs for charity. The albums raise money for the Special Olympics and famously feature cover art by Keith Haring. Last year marked the 25th anniversary of the series, which was celebrated with an album featuring Train, Amy Grant, Jordin Sparks, and Jason Mraz.

"A Very Special Christmas" wasn't always mind-bendingly awful, though. Yes, forgettable tracks like Chris Cornell's "Ave Maria", Wyclef Jean's "Little Drummer Boy/Hot Hot Hot" medley, and Kellie Pickler's "Santa Baby" have dominated the series over its 8-album run, but if you have a holiday favorite that was recorded after 1968, it was probably from one of these records. Here are some of my favorites:

One might say that the "A Very Special Christmas", like M. Night Shamylan, peaked right out of the gate. And one would probably be right. The first album is chock full of classics like Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis", the song that is perhaps most commonly associated with the series. Among other memorable phrases, it includes "the hawk is out", which apparently is a Chicago slang term for "it is uncomfortably windy and cold". Check out the video, which has an intro featuring a classic Simon game and the creepiest goddamn elf you'll ever see.

Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen just seems like a great guy to party with. And what better time to party than Christmas? I don't know about you, but his songs (at least the more upbeat ones) are filled with an infectious joy that translates perfectly to the holiday season. More people are familiar with his ass-kicking version of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" (which I will almost certainly write about later), but his cover of the R&B classic "Merry Christmas Baby" is no slouch either. Here's a video of him performing the song during a 2002 appearance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien with E Street drummer Max Weinberg, Conan (kind of) on guitar, and the late, great Clarence "Big Man" Clemons (on the bells?).

Christmas is awesome. Tom Petty is awesome. Therefore, using some sort of equation, a Tom Petty Christmas song must be doubly awesome. And yes, it looks like the math checks out. I wonder if Tom ever got that Chuck Berry songbook he wanted? This song was the opening track on "A Very Special Christmas 2", and yeah, it was kind of all downhill from there (for the series, not Tom Petty. Although "The Last DJ" was pretty lame).

We Need A Little Christmas

For the longest time, I've been adamant that the Christmas season does NOT officially begin until the day after Thanksgiving. Not only was that just the way it worked in my house, but I felt that expanding the season any further would somehow dilute its potency. This year, as the Christmas advertisements and decorations began popping up around Halloween time, I shook my head in disbelief. No matter what, I was going to hold out until the proper date. Christmas demanded it.

This year, though, things are different. To say I've had a rough year would be a ridiculous understatement, and the advent of cold weather and fewer hours of sunlight have come at the worst possible time. I found myself having to gather up all my effort simply to go through the motions, and I was wondering when something, anything, would come along to snap me out of it. Then, last Thursday, as I looked out the windows of my office towards the Empire State Building, I got a sign.

It was November 12th, and the building was lit up with its brand new awesome LED lights in red and green (for the opening of the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, which I was unaware of at the time). It was then and there that I decided that my annual immersion into All Things Christmas would begin immediately. Because if there was one thing that would break me out of this funk, it was Christmas. And if I was going to make that happen, I had to get started early.

So here we are, kicking off what is sure to be the best Cavalcade yet with a very appropriate song, "We Need a Little Christmas". The song is from Mame, the 1966 Broadway musical which was based on the 1958 film Auntie Mame, which was based on the 1956 play Auntie Mame, which was based on the 1955 novel Auntie Mame. It was originally sung by Ms. Angela Lansbury, who most people will recognize as Jessica Fletcher from TV's Murder She Wrote, but who also has an extensive background in musical theater with lead roles throughout the 60s and 70s in shows like Gypsy, The King and I, and Sweeney Todd. Of course, her musical background will come as no surprise to fans of 1971's Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Mame tells the all-too-relatable story of a bohemian free spirit who tries to live life to the fullest, but is eventually brought down to earth when faced with real world responsibilities and adversities (in Auntie Mame's case, having to adopt her nephew and losing her fortune in the 1929 stock market crash). When the latter happens, however, the titular Auntie puts her philosophy into practice ("Life is a banquet, and most poor sons-of-bitches are starving to death") and seeks to obliterate everyone's post-crash bummer with a full scale Christmas assault.

Auntie Mame has come a ways from her days as a carefree bohemian, however, as is evident in this excerpt from the song:

For I've grown a little leaner,
Grown a little colder,
Grown a little sadder,
Grown a little older,
And I need a little angel
Sitting on my shoulder,
Need a little Christmas now.

As much as things might suck for Mame and her crew, she's not going to sit around and mope about it. Instead, she decides to power through it with the help of the overwhelming magical power of Christmas. And if a fictional character can do it, so can I! (I've used the same logic when I've needed to fire torpedoes into a space station's exhaust duct, dispose of a magical ring in a volcano, and defeat the Russian national boxing champion.) Merry Christmas everybody - let's do it up right.

He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special

I've got to be honest with you guys - I never really watched He-Man when I was a kid. I don't know why, since it certainly was aimed squarely at my demographic back in the 80's, but I guess I was just more of a Rubik, The Amazing Cube guy. Regardless, I wasn't going to let that technicality keep me from watching (and attempting to enjoy) He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special.

First of all, it turns out that the world of He-Man and She-Ra is weirder than I could have possibly imagined. I knew that they were a prince and princess who changed into badass defenders of Greyskull when they held up a sword or whatever, but what I didn't know was how many bizarre supporting characters there were. All kinds of weird alien creatures, a mermaid who talks like Zsa Zsa Gabor, a dude with a metal elephant head, and of course Orko - the dumbass, troublemaking creature with the annoying voice that seems to have been a staple of 80's action/adventure cartoons (see also: Snarf).

Anyway, He-Man and She-Ra are twins and it's their birthday, which happens to be right around the Earth holiday known as "Christmas". But of course Orko fucks everything up by accidentally flying He-Man's spy jet to Earth, where he meets two adorable children who got lost trying to find a Christmas tree in the woods. Why two kids lost in the woods would immediately befriend a weird-ass floating space creature is beyond me - weren't there PSAs about that sort of thing in the 80's? - but the kids take time to explain to Orko the Meaning of Christmas (love, presents, vague references to the birth of Jesus).

Meanwhile, He-Man and She-Ra have to get a magic crystal, fight a monster, and outwit some giant robots for some reason in order to get Orko and the spy plane back. Unfortunately, Skeletor manages to kidnap the two Earth kids during all of this nonsense. Left alone with Skeletor, the kids find an adorable space puppy and help ol' bony-face get into the holiday spirit.

Let me just talk about Skeletor for a second here - I found it almost impossible to take him seriously as a villain. Maybe they dumbed him down for the Christmas special, maybe it's because he sounds exactly like The Monarch from The Venture Brothers (or rather, The Monarch sounds like him), or maybe it's because he's so easily turned into a sniveling wuss by two doe-eyed kids, but come on dude. Also, apparently he has to answer to a boss who's supposedly even more evil than him, which reminded me of when I found out in G.I. Joe: The Movie that Serpentor had to answer to some alien dude with the voice of Burgess Meredith. Lame.

So obviously He-Man and She-Ra save the day, they have a wonderful Christmas/birthday party with all their freaky alien friends back at the castle, and they send the kids home to their parents. After the whole ordeal is over, He-Man (as his alter ego, the incredibly lame Prince Adam), attempts to once again explain to Orko that Christmas is about more than just presents before ending with an "Oh, Orko..." and a knowing glance to the audience.

In closing, I guess He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special had pretty much everything I'd expect from a Christmas special featuring He-Man and She-Ra. It all seems like a bunch of silly nonsense now, but certainly no sillier than Galaxy High was. Did Galaxy High do a Christmas episode? I'll have to look into it.

 

The Christmas Consultant

Let's face it - there's only so much Christmas stuff to go around. I never get sick of the classics, of course, but for addicts like me, there's never been enough new material to keep up with my insatiable demand. That is, until I discovered the wealth of cheesy Christmas movies that are cranked out each year by basic cable stations like ABC Family, The Hallmark Channel, and (my personal favorite) Lifetime.

As I've mentioned before, each one follows a time-tested formula - a delicious recipe, like your grandma's egg nog. Arguably the most important ingredient is the c-list celebrity, and The Christmas Consultant, which kicks off this year's Cavalcade, has got a doozy - David motherflippin' Hasselhoff (It's also got TV's Caroline Rhea, but who cares).

Ms. Rhea plays a frazzled working woman who has no time for the holidays (a staple of any cable Christmas movie), yet must host an elaborate Christmas party to impress a potential client. In order to accomplish this she hires Owen, the titular Consultant, who spends the entire month of December immersing the family in Christmas spirit in a ridiculous, over-the-top way that only the Hoff could pull off.

Don't get me wrong - like most made-for-cable Christmas movies, this one is dumb. Really dumb. But Hasselhoff is allowed to do what he does best, and that's running around like a goddamn nutjob. Plus, I can kind of identify with his character's bottomless enthusiasm for the season, and frankly I'm a little jealous of his job. Except the part at the end when Caroline Rhea kicks his ass at the Christmas party. Apparently she thinks he's hogging all the credit for the party and making her family like him more than her, even though he has done all the work and of course her family has grown to prefer the lovable Christmas lunatic over the career-obsessed shrew.

This being what it is, everything is wrapped up with a nice little bow by the end. In a twist everyone can see coming a mile away, it turns out [SPOILER ALERT!] that the family that Owen awkwardly refers to throughout the movie has been dead for years. This knowledge melts Caroline Rhea's bitchy heart, and he is invited to spend Christmas at her place.

No matter what ingredients you use - a charming small town, an American city that looks suspiciously like Toronto, public domain Christmas music, an unlikely romance, a precocious child, a magical Santa-like character, etc. - the final product is always the same: The Perfect Christmas™. It may be sickeningly sweet or extra cheesy, but it's what basic cable does best. Well, that and Road House marathons.